10.27.2010

Free Dinner

We are going out for a family dinner to celebrate Morgan's impending graduation...I think this is his third graduation. He's just trying to show me up.

Momma: We should make reservactions for 6:30, you think?

Me: Yes. You're paying for this right?

Momma: No....Yes.

Me: Do you know that I've never eaten lobster?

Momma: Well don't start now.

10.25.2010

Headache Inducing

I have been in a room with 13 kindergarten and first grade students while they played Simon Says. I neglected to apply the stipulation of: no yelling and no making Ms. Amber's ears bleed. Every little Simon at one point...or another... would say: "Simon Says Yell...or Be Loud...or Go Crazy...or Hey look Ms. Amber's eye's are bleeding...

When they finally were all picked up by their keepers I struggled to get out to my car, Mad and Coop in tow. "Momma?" Madison falling down all the way because she was carrying one of my bags and she's as dramatic as me. "Momma?" We get to the car. "Momma?" I have to set my bags on the wet ground, oh yeah, it snowed and rained today. "Momma?" I couldn't find my keys because someone dumped my bag out when they fell down for the fifth time so they weren't where I put them. "Momma?" I finally get Cooper buckled in, bags in the car, self in the car. Then...

Madison: Momma?

Me: Sigh. Yes Madison?

Madison: Um, Momma? Do you want to see me cross all of my fingers at one time?

Me: More than anything.


10.24.2010

Oh My God What Time Is It?

What kind of bra do you wear? Well, if you're a girl...well...maybe if you're a guy. I don't care. I'm not here to judge. I wear a normal bra. By normal I mean, it has no tassles, spikes, bells, whistles or time constraints.

18 Hour Bra? 18 hours? Why? Was there a request made?

"Yes, Playtex? This is Beverly, I would like you to create a bra that lasts for 18 hours. Thanks."

Why did she do that? Probably because her name is Beverly.

Maybe it was invented by a man (most likely) and he couldn't get any girl to take off her bra. So, he said, "I know, I will invent a bra that has to be removed. Yes! Boobs. Boooobs. Booooooobs. Ma! What's for dinner?!"

What my main concern is, what happens after 18 hours? This has been the topic of many discussions with Morgan. I know, we're awesome. We both thought that the bras only lasted for 18 hours, that they were perhaps disposable. Maybe they explode. What if you have to work late? Or are out for some after hours drinks with colleagues. (I'm assuming that business women wear 18 hour bras, seems like one of those responsible things that people do.) What if you put the bra on really early, perhaps in the middle of the night...and then you're out the following night and you realize that you're bordering on the 18 hour mark. You shriek, "Oh my God! What time is it!?" sloshing your drink around, grabbing your boss by the shirt collar, screaming in his face. Sadly, it is too late. The bra bursts into flames.

"She seemed so responsible, she was always on time...why didn't she realize that the 18 hours was almost up? So sad. Poor Beverly."

Or, maybe the bra just disintegrates. There you are walking through town and "fizzle", your bra is dust and there you are just hanging loose on Main Street. Mother's are shielding their children's eyes, "Don't look! Put on a bra ma'am, what is wrong with you?! Don't you know what time it is?"

Maybe you turn into a pumpkin. Or, you sprout two pumpkins on your chest. Okay, that's just ridiculous.

According to Momma, the bra is made to be comfortable for 18 hours. This still boggles my brain. How does it know? What if you just take it off and then put it back on, is it then good for 18 more hours? How does it know?! Does it recharge itself? Is there some sort of apparatus that you have to rest it on so that it can conform back to its original shape therefore making it good for 18 more hours?

Have you seen one of these things? It's like a quilt for your chest. Oh! And it comes in toffee! Gasp. And BEIGE!

10.17.2010

Errah!

Someone got a fancy Password Journal for her birthday. No, not me. It was Madison of course...though I'm not known for turning down gifts, so if you're in a giving mood...

She received this gift yesterday...today I'm on the verge plunging that little book into a pot of boiling water and then stringing it up in town square and throwing stones at it. The basics.

With this Password Journal, initially you hold down the main button and it prompts you in this English accent, "Recohd passwohd" then you say you're super secret password. After that, it prompts, "Repeat passwohd", then you repeat it and it says, "Passwohd Recohded". From that moment on whenever you want to open the journal, to, as Madison says, "Write down all your secrets" (she's seven, how many secrets does this kid have?), you press the button and it tells you to say your "passwohd" and then *magical music here* it opens and you are free to write all of your secrets. Ooh, and I love this part! Whenever you successfully open the journal it tells you how many possible intruders there have been since your last journal writing session! "37 new intruhdahs."

Now, all of this is probably what happens in everyone else's home. Not here. Nope.

This is how it goes:

Journal: Recohd passwohd.

Madison: Rat (I'm not kidding)

Journal: Repeat passwohd.

Madison: Rat (Seriously)

Journal: ERRAH! Recohd passowhd.

Now, repeat that 34 times. I think every two times, the journal says, "See you latah!" and my eyes start to bleed.

Every few times Madison will change the password choice. Every 86th time the journal will actually open and we both look at each other with despair in our eyes...then she shuts it again and I pass out.

You can even change the sensitivity to the microphone, so that you can say the password quietly and not as clearly. That doesn't matter, this thing it like Fort fucking Knox. You're not getting in with anything less than an encrypted ID, eyeball scan, fingerprinting, DNA check and your first born.


Here's what it looks like when it's open. I guess. I don't know from personal experience.

10.15.2010

Nintendo Sixty-Fooooooouuuuuuur. Yes.

I'm sure that you've all seen the N64 kid. I was only just introduced to the video 4 days ago, like, a million years after everyone else. Believe me, I've made up for lost time by watching it over and over and over and over.

I have yet to tire of it, I hope I never do.

In case you haven't seen it.



Okay, so it's a brother/sister team on Christmas morning. They've gotten to the big gift, the one they've been waiting for. Sister is dressed in a purple tutu and is holding a purple headdress in her hand. Brother is busy fuh-reaking out while unwrapping the N64. (By the way, this is EXACTLY how I reacted when I got my Super Nintendo...so, yeah.) At one point Brother accidentally grabs Sister's headdress while ripping paper off of the box and you hear her utter a "Hey." As in, "Watch what the fuck you're doing you asshole."

Then the real fun begins, Brother begins screaming AT the box. AT THE BOX. Then, a slow motion screaming segment. I am a sucker for these. Next, more screaming right in the boxes face, take that you, you, box. Then he starts doing some sort of interpretive hand dance on the box, Sister tries to join in but her hands are simply not enough compared to Brother's. Plus, she's still holding that damn headdress. It's clear to see where her allegiance lies.

That's when Brother begins a yelling and fist throwing segment I refer to as "N64 Jersey Shore", again, Sister's attempts at appearing as excited as her elder brother are futile and frankly a little embarrassing. She gives up towards the end and starts admiring her headdress again.

Brother says, breathlessly, "Now we can go get games from Blockbuster!" Awesome, kid. Mom jumps up, perhaps to go cry, and tells him that now he can open that other present. This cast away present was probably grabbed 5 times during the morning only to be met with, "No, don't open that one yet." Meaning that it has something to do with the amazing N64, right? I know that in his mind, he's thinking "GAMES, GAMES, GAMES, GAMES."

He opens it, while Sister, AGAIN, tries to act like this means something to her by hugging the box, "My dreams have come..."  then Brother says, "It's a N64...remote...controlled...car..." Yep. It sure is. Have fun with that while you're inside playing your video games.

We are left with one more magnificent slow-mo scream. I cannot get enough of it. I wish that when I screamed it would come out like that....I think I'll start making that happen.

10.13.2010

Twix = Amnesty

Have you been watching, nay, enjoying these Twix commercials as of late? "Oh no" you say, "she's watching commercials again..." Again? I haven't stopped, I've just been sparing you the gory details. MATTRESS RANCH! BIG BOB'S FLOORING! GIANT DON'S FLOORING! VOTE FOR 'insert liar here'! "COZY CARPETS!"

Why do the show's I watch have so many flooring commercials? Those three flooring places have one thing in common, theme songs to strangle someone by.

So, back to Twix. Not as annoying as Kit Kat, with it's incessant crunching. Still, equally bothersome.

According to the commercials, if approached with a question or comment that may elude to your infidelity/ stupidity/tendency to lie/boorish behavior then you can simply cram one whole Twix bar in your facehole, thus buying a few millennium to come up with some ridiculous excuse or alibi while you chew away. The person that brought up your indiscretion will then be pleased with your obviously stupid answer and then go about their day, because, hey, there's nothing weird about someone cramming an entire Twix in their face. Right?

Sure. I don't get anxiety just by thinking about it. Hold on while I go and get rid of this excess saliva and take a Xanax. What if you get that whole mouth full then have to cough or, oh no, sneeze? Or, I know you've experienced this, a little bit of chocolate slips down your throat and sends you into a coughing and choking frenzy. I'm sure your wife will appreciate you spewing half chewed Twix into her face just as your lying about your obvious affair. You're so rude.

Oh, we know all about it, don't try to lie about it. Who is she!?

So, thanks Twix for making it okay to lie. And eat an excess amount of chocolate.

Need a moment? To lie!?



At the moment that he crammed that Twix in his mouth I would have been all up in there digging it out, 
like when Cooper tries to eat Kleenex.

10.12.2010

Tip + Dump = Tump. It Is A Word.

Laying in bed the other night Joe and I were discussing his inability to sleep through someone even thinking. I on the other hand could sleep through a weekend. As a general rule, on Friday night I put on my pajamas and don't take them off until Monday morning. Maybe.

Back to Joe. So, he's a light sleeper. Sometimes. He can sleep through the dog barking outside because he was accidentally left outside by someone, I'm not mentioning any names but it rhymes with Joe...oops. He can't sleep through me silently tiptoeing across the carpeted bedroom floor.

Well, Cooper has been sick with the snot, coughing and then croup. I knew he would be fine through the night and just make some noise. Joe was prepared to not get any sleep, what with being up with the worry and the noise. I jokingly told him that he could sleep through us being burgled but not through me thinking about what's for breakfast. To which he replied, "What the fuck is burgled?"

Blink.

"Burgled. It's a word." I say. "No it's not Amber, you're making up words again." says the man that one time said 'dethaw' and I have yet to let him live that one down. I told him, "Burgled, it's a word, for sure. Plus, it's super fun to say!"

"Goodnight crazy."

Not five minutes later, he's snoring away and I'm reading a book when lo and behold was this sentence, "if I didn't know any better it would appear that I have been burgled." Okay, that's not exactly what the sentence said, I can't remember what it said precisely, I was too excited about 'burgled'!

Joe's back was to me, so I stared at the back of his head until finally he looked over his shoulder at me (I wasn't joking about that whole, can't sleep while I'm thinking thing.) I said, "GUESS WHAT?!"

I've never seen this man move so fast. He was turned over, eyes wild in one move. "WHAT?!" he halfway yelled while staring at the crib. That's when I realized he must think I was going to tell him something about Cooper....but what would I have been saying? "GUESS WHAT?! Cooper can't breathe!" The exclamation 'guess what' is a fun thing, you don't say "Guess what?! You have smallpox!"

I feebly held out the book and pointed at the word and mumbled, "burgled..."

"Goodnight crazy."

Umm, here is a book where 'burgled' is in the title. Yeah, it's a word.

10.06.2010

Movies

I've been watching some movies lately, not all of them have been brand new but I thought I would just give a rundown into what I've been subjecting my brain to as of late.

The Expendables: Sylevester Stallone called his friends and said, "Hey. Let's, uh, make a movie. We're gonna jump out of things and shoot stuff. Just us guys, one rule though, Mickey and I are the only ones that get to take our shirts off. Jason, keep yours on. Right now, put it back on. Do you own a shirt?" And that was the end of civilization as we knew it. The only, and I mean the ONLY reason I went to see that movie was to see Jason Statham and the inevitable shirtless moment...that never happened.
This is not from The Expendables. Sadly.


Abandoned: This is one of Brittany Murphy's last movie's. I watched it in tribute. It was pretty bad. I've noticed with some films that the last thing that they pay any attention to is hair and makeup, let me tell you, this is a mistake. Unless, they did focus on hair and make up here, in that case...mistake. Another thing they didn't pay attention to was detail. I don't know about you but talking on a phone while holding it right side up is a pretty important detail. But, that's just me.
You may not be able to tell from here, but that phone is upside down.

A Perfect Getaway: Timothy Olyphant. Do I need to say more? Didn't think so.
He's in this movie. Watch it. Then watch it again.

Human Centipede: Are you crazy? I'm not going to watch that!
I realize that this is not a centipede, but I am not about to put a picture of a centipede here. Plus, his voice is the voice that I give Bocephus sometimes.

Various Lifetime Movies: Women/Husbands/Girlfriends/Boyfriends/Daughters/Sons/Men/Wives/ Mothers/Fathers/Aunts/Uncles/Brothers/Sisters/Cousins/ were beaten/kidnapped/murdered/lied to/cheated on/cheated with/maimed/robbed/deceived/ victimized/arrested/sold/bought/stalked.
What?

I Love You, Man: I could pretty much put this DVD in my player, press repeat and then live a long happy life.
"I will see you there or I will see you on another time."
That was very confusing. I don't know if you're gonna come or not?
No, I'll be there. I'll be there.

A Team: Liam Neeson, Bradley Cooper. Yes please.
I wish there was a way to take Liam's personality and put it in Bradley Cooper's body...or, wait, no.

Avatar: Actually, I haven't seen this, but I've seen Fern Gully...soooo.
Same thing, right?

10.01.2010

I'm On Empty.

I have got a case of blogger's block...I think. Well, last night I had something and was all "lightbulb"! But now, I'm all...."where's the lightswitch?".

So, I added some things to the "About" page. Check it out. If you want to. If not, then either you don't care about me or you feel like you already know everything about me and in that case I am sorry to inform you but you are wrong. Or, you're Morgan, but you're probably not because he's too busy to read my blog and I tell him everything anyway so he doesn't have to read it but if you are Morgan, then "Hey Morgie! Call your sister.".

This is us and this is what every picture we take together looks like.
Our poor mother.