12.23.2010

Is This the Month of June?

It must be. I mean, it can't be December right? It can't be the week of Christmas. Nope. No way. No how. Right?

Oh, am I the only one that has noticed this? There haven't been ANY decent Christmas movies on TV. NONE. Sure, I have a few Christmas movies on DVD, but that's not the point. I think right after Thanksgiving I saw that Elf was on, so I DVR'd it. A week or two ago there were a few Christmas specials on the local channels (Charlie Brown, Shrek, etc.)

But now? IT'S THE WEEK OF CHRISTMAS! This blatant disregard for the holiday had me in a rage...poor Joe was the recipient of said rage.

Me: Let's find a Christmas movie to watch!

Joe: Okay. Sure.

Me: (flipping through all 1,654 channels....flip, flip, flip, flip.)

Me: (now checking the On Demand channels...flip, flip, flip, flip.) What the hell is this?

Joe: What?

Me: There are NO Christmas movies on!!

Joe: What about "random movie name here"? That's a good movie.

Me: IS IT A CHRISTMAS MOVIE JOSEPH?! IS IT?! No.

4 hours later...

Joe: (flipping through channels...flip, flip, flip) He stops on Big...then puts on Doc Hollywood.

Me: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS!? DO THEY NOT REALIZE THAT IT IS 2 DAYS BEFORE CHRISTMAS AND THEY ARE PLAYING THIS SHIT!

Joe: This is a good movie...

Me: YEAH, ANY OTHER DAY OF THE EFFING YEAR! THIS IS CHRISTMAS! WHERE IS CHRISTMAS VACATION? WHERE IS RUDOLPH? WHERE IS FROSTY?

I don't have the time or space to continue with my entire diatribe...but it went on for a while. So long in fact, that Joe removed himself from within my flailing arm range, went to pee, came back out and I was still going on.

Me: AND ANOTHER EFFING THING, WHAT THE HELL IS THIS CRAP ABOUT THEM PLAYING WHITE CHRISTMAS ONLY ON FRIDAY MORNING AND ON AN HD CHANNEL!?!?

I am proud to say that I have calmed down considerably since then...though I am still in a funk about the whole thing.

Oh, Clark. I miss your face.

12.22.2010

Battle of the Bands

Not really. I just wanted to use that as a post title. I love it. It reminds me of Jem and the Holograms. Speaking of Jem and the Holograms, how about the Don’t Ask Don’t Tell Repeal?

Did you like my smooth, fluid like transition into serious territory? It’s a gift, it can’t be taught.

If you are familiar with my blog you know that I abhor politics and I rarely talk about serious issues. But, I do like to talk about things that are current. No, not missing children, not the rise in crime, not terrorists, not poverty, and not the global financial crisis, but about being openly gay and in the military. That is what’s important, right? That’s what is keeping us as American’s up at night, worried sick? Right?

Well, not me. I mostly stay up at night worried about why there are so many children being killed by their own parent’s and why kid's are bullying other kid's to the point of suicide. Also, playing quarters with my 7 year old. We like tequila.

I love my country and I love, care for and respect all of the men and women that serve in our military and serve our country. It is something that I wish I had the courage and strength to do and I am incredibly amazed at the amount of people that are able to do it. They leave their families, miss important family events, holidays, and the birth of their own children. It takes great dedication and spirit to do this over and over again and I include them in my prayers every day. All of them. Not just some of them.

So, the DADT has been in place for the past 17 years. Before that, if you answered “yes” to the homosexuality question then you weren’t allowed to serve. Since then, views have changed and humans in general have become more accepting. In general...not all of us, of course. Which is fine. I don’t expect everyone to view things the same way or believe the same things or agree on anything, this is America and that’s what makes it awesome. Okay, so the DADT was put in place so that all people could serve, right? Yes. I’m sure that’s it. They basically just aren’t supposed to voice that they are gay. Right? Yes. Which I’m sure has been just fine and dandy by most since it doesn't sound like all that much fun to voice your sexuality while standing next to a guy name Duke that's holding a large gun...and grenades...and his socks don't match.

Now that it seems time to repeal this policy it has caused uproar among some. Does it really matter? I'm guessing that if you are serving with someone, and you're with them for large chunks of time, then you probably can guess which side they are batting for. Am I right? I'm also guessing that the majority of people that serve aren't gay. I'm also guessing that a gay man serving in the military is not attracted to every straight man that he sees, so, no need to keep your junk hidden in the shower, you're safe. I promise.

Now I'm not sure if this next guess is true, but I hope to God that it is. I'm guessing, hoping, praying, that no matter who you are, no matter who you're attracted to, no matter what color your socks are, that if you are injured and in need of assistance, that your brother's and sister's in arms will help you. That, at that moment those things don't matter. What matter's is that you are all fighting for our country, you are all fighting to keep eachother safe, that out there in the field and inside in the showers you are all the same.

Have no fear comrads. Repealing this policy will not magically turn every gay man in the military into Armand and Albert.

Sadly.

12.17.2010

Someone Call The Police

I, along with most American's...nay, humans, live life in ignorance about some things. One of these things being what happens inside of a chick hatchery.

That's right. A chick hatchery.

While visiting momma and Jack one evening we saw that How It's Made was on and Momma and I exclaimed "OOH!" then we saw on the info screen that they were exploring a chick hatchery. "OOHH! CHICKS!!"

Now. If you don't love a baby chick, then you just must not be human. They are little, and fluffy and soft and they make little baby chick noises. Fucking adorable.

We turn the show on just in time to see a million baby chicks falling through these metal rack things, wings flapping, legs trying to grasp at anything that will hold them. After that they are shot down a treadmill, trying to run the whole way, chirping and flapping away. Our mouth's were agape.

"WHAT IS GOING ON HERE!?"

 "WHAT ARE THEY DOING TO THOSE CHICK'S?!"

"OH NOOOOOO!"

Then! Then! Then, the little treadmill transports shoots these chicks by the waiting hands of workers that pick them up to check their sex by the length of their feathers or something, then they are tossed into a tube and shot down to some other thing. I don't know what else happens. I was in shock.

In shock because they were little baby chicks, and they were hungry and they had little baby chicken head smell and not one of those workers picked up one of those chicks and loved it up, smelled it's head, nuzzled it under their chin.

Momma: Someone needs to call the police! Something is wrong here. What's going on?! What do we do!?

Me: I'll get the phone.

Mmmm. Chicken head smell.

12.13.2010

In All Seriousness

Dear Taco Bell:

I love your taco's, chalupa's, enchirito's and nacho's. I love your crunchy, crispy, cheesy goodness. I love your whole "think outside the bun" motto. So catchy. I love your third meal. I just love you in general.

But.

But. I need you to do me a favor. You know those cinnamon twists? The wonderful, airy, crispy, yummy, sweet twisty confection that you include in the kids' meals. Or can be purchased separately for a low price. Though I would pay more for that little piece of heaven. Yeah, those. Could you make those just a tad bit smaller? Say one size smaller than the average child's mouth. See, I need for my child to be able to put the whole thing in her mouth without having to bite down first. That whole bite into the twist thing is just not working for me.

It rattles my brain. It makes my hair fall out...sometimes voluntarily, sometimes by the strong grip of my fist. It makes my eyes roll around wildly. It makes me say through gritted teeth to my seven-year-old, "COULD YOU PLEASE NOT BITE INTO THE TWIST?". Then she tries to put an entire twist in her mouth only to gag and choke and then look at me with the sad eyes. Then she crunches her little teeth down into half of the twist while giving me the sorry eyes.

I beg you Taco Bell. Please help me, please help my sanity, please help my child.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Also. I will no longer be purchasing said cinnamon twists form your establishment until this is resolved. Please expect to see a vast dip in your profit's.

Yours Truly...if you meet my demands.

12.11.2010

Unrealistic Reactions

I have a Momma story, it's too long for the "Momma" page so I'll just put it here. Okay, a little back story. As the political season winds down, still too fresh in our memories are all of the ad campaigns and the signs and the bumper stickers and teeth gnashing. Still too fresh in our memories are the faces of those running for office, those that won the primary but then lost to a write-in candidate. The same candidate that they defeated in the beginning of the grand race.

Please wait while I go have a shot of whiskey.

I'm back.

I dislike politics so very very very much. But, the back story is needed for those of you who do not live in Alaska or that do not pay attention to politics.

Joe Miller ran for Senate this year. Which meant we saw his face about a bajillion and half times per hour. I'm not exaggerating. For serious ya'll. Plus, I'm a registered voter, so trust me.

By the time it was all said and done I think we were all just about tired of seeing his face. Now, flash forward to this week.

Momma calls, and instead of telling the story I will just break out our conversation.
*For those of you that I personally know, I think I told you she was at a restaurant, she corrected me, it was the airport.
Momma: I'm so mad at Joe Miller!

Me: What?

Momma: Ugh. He has just really pissed me off.

Me: Wha? (See, I'm confused here because she doesn't know Joe Miller personally...right?)

Momma: So, I'm at the airport and I had to use the bathroom. I'm walking out with all my business and I see a man standing there on his cell phone. I recognize him and think that maybe it's one of my clients so I say, "HEY!"

sidebar: Now, if you don't know Momma, her "HEY's!" are like honey. Like velvety chocolate or a cup of sugar. It's like a hug in word form.

Momma: So I say, "HEY!" and then the guy says, "HEY!" and THEN I realize....Ugh, it's Joe Miller. UGH! Joe Miller. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh!

Me: Uproarious laughter

Momma: Who stands right outside a ladies bathroom anyway?! Ugh. Pissin' me off.

Me: Can't. Breathe. Must. Get. Breath.

Momma: Y'know, he is kind of handsome.

Me: I thought you hated him!

Standing outside a bathroom near you.

12.05.2010

A Gift Guide of Sorts

Well, it's almost Christmas and shame on me for not already giving you ideas for things that you can buy for me people that you love. I mean, there you are sitting patiently waiting for me to fill your mind with wonderful gifts that perhaps myself your family and friends will love. I have put together the categories (gamer, cook, teen, etc.) and have consulted people that I know experts for items that  your loved ones may love. Some of these things may not seem like the "perfect" gift but they may be things that are deemed necessary for the particular recipient's arsenal. Perhaps, package them with other things...wait, I'll just point these out as I get to them, sheesh. You're just making things complicated.

GAMER

These recommendations come from Erin. She and her husband Jake do things like build their own house, raise a super cute dog, work out together and walk around being adorable. When she tells me stories I always picture them in Allie Brosh comic fashion. It's appropriate.

Gamer Mouse
No, this isn't a little mouse that you can get from the pet store and bring home and it will play games with you...I checked.

You can do things like add weights, it gives you more control over movement. It has an on-board memory to save your profiles. The laser is amazing. No, not like a laser...like 'pew pew', more like a move the cursor here and here laser....I checked. AND hyper fast scrolling!

You don't necessarily have to get this brand, shop around, see what you would like to give. This one is $69.99 on one site that I looked at, but be sure and shop around.
(What? You thought I would just do ALL the work. Come on.)




BOOK LOVER
These recommendations come from me. HA! You didn't think I read books did you? Well, I do. So, there.

Kindle
Yep. Sorry. I have been against these for a long time but then Morgan received one for his birthday and...it.is.awesome.
 The screen looks like a page out of a book, so easy on the eyes. You can highlight a word and get the definition. It's really great for someone who like to read at night in the bed, no struggling with hard back books or folding back the covers of paper back ones, or flipping back and forth to give each arm a rest. (You haven't noticed that I complain about menial things? You must not be paying attention.)

OH MY GOSH! Do you see this huge space here...I cannot get rid of it. Sorry folks. It's making me crazy and there is not reason why this huge gap is here between this category and the next. So dumb.







PEOPLE WITH HAIR
Do you know anyone with hair? I'll wait while you check your list...

Okay. So, I love having good hair...it doesn't happen everyday, but when it does (and I hope you agree) it is glorious. Ah, a good hair day. This recommendation comes from Angelo, he's a stylist in Anchorage, he loves Morgan, he enjoys Harry Potter and being awesome. The product he recommends is something that everyone should have. Now, I'm not sure if everyone would appreciate shine spray in their stocking (I would) but you could always package it with something else that your recipient may be pining for, a fancy flat iron? A gift card to a local salon? You do the thinking, I'm tired.

Glossing Mist
It's a spray that makes hair shiny. You should buy a case of it. 

What else do you want me to say? Spray. Shine. Have a great day.

MUSIC LOVER
Do you know me a music lover? I hope so. I love music and I love my friends that also love music. Stephanie for instance. Not only does she love music, have great hair, have an impeccable ear for fabulous music,  and wear fantastic sweaters,  but she also makes music. Uh yeah. Friend jackpot. Her band is pretty fantastic, so are her band mates, one of which is her own husband. I pride myself on my awesome friends...also my children...um, yep.

Bose Headphones
Good headphones are necessary. According to Stephanie, Bose headphones are great for listening to rock, blues, jazz, acoustic or country music.

There is nothing like listening to music and having it delivered perfectly into your earholes like there is a tiny band sitting inside your ear canal...but not playing too loudly as to damage your hearing. Listen responsibly.

Oh, you know would sound great in your earholes? This CD...get it, love it.


COOKS AND HOME LOVERS
Cooks and home lovers? I know this is a weird group...but these are things that this particular expert deems necessary for those who love to cook and love to decorate their home.

This recommendation comes from Momma. She is probably the best cook ever...except for that one time when she was using some shortcut for Chicken and Dumplings that she found on the packaging that the bathroom trash can came in. It involved flour tortillas. Our lives where changed forever, and not that good kind of change where our hearts grew two sizes or anything. Her home is beautiful and I'm always stealing things when she's not looking...ideas, yeah, stealing ideas. She's one of the funniest people that I know and I (plus Morgan) are pretty much the luckiest kids ever.

I asked for one thing and since Momma doesn't like rules or directions, she gave about fifty things. For the home she recommends having a bag to keep all necessary items that you need around the house: decorator's bag (visit thirtyone.com/15607 for this...shameless plug), small hammer, measuring tape, pad/pencil, a box with nails and screws, crafting wire, glue gun, glue sticks, double back tape, and cup hooks. These are fairly inexpensive items and a great collection of gifts, especially if you know a new homeowner, or me.

For the kitchen she recommends these necessities (all of which make excellent stocking stuffer's as well): garlic press, herb scissors, small sifter, zester grater, basting brush, finger peeler, and flour sack towels. Momma LOVES her flour sack towels and after Thanksgiving at her house, I love them too. So absorbent!

ANYONE ELSE?
Oh, you have more people on your list that aren't gamers, book lovers, music lovers, cook's or people without hair? Sheesh. This is way more work than I thought it would be.

I love ModCloth. I can easily find something for everyone that I know on this site, and about 7500 things for myself. 

Don't forget the Etsy shops! I find some of the cutest things there. Christmas is coming so if you're doing any shopping online be sure to confirm that it will arrive in time, you wouldn't want me you're family to not have any presents under the tree!

Good luck and happy shopping!

12.02.2010

Crouching Amber. Hidden Monster.

So. (Yes, I notice that begin a lot of paragraph's and stories this way.)

So. I was super exhausted yesterday. Like, so exhausted that while I was playing a math game with Madison (A math game? MY spawn? Wow. I was in pre-Algebra as a senior.) I actually fell asleep sitting up. I opened my eyes to find her face about an inch from mine. "Are you sleeping?"

Yes. There is no shame.

After I get everyone tucked in and read to and talked to I am ready for bed myself. I have a process of going to bed. Well. Kind of. I leave the closet light on so that in the middle of night if I have to get up I won't have to turn on the lamp or big light (don't you love my terminology? "big light", where the hell do I get this stuff?). The bathroom light is turned off and the door shut. Bocephus sleeps outside my bedroom door to ward off any crazies and I keep a sawed off on the pillow next to me....maybe.

So, I do all my stuff and I'm all snuggled in. Right now I'm reading Rant, by Chuck Palahniuk. I'm a big fan of his books. Invisible Monsters is probably my favorite. Oh, sorry, I'm getting off topic. Okay, I'm reading, and this book is a little graphic on the creepy/nasty level. I'm reading and then I hear it.

"Crinkle crinkly crinkle."

Hmm. Strange. I think, maybe it was just Cooper moving around in his crib and that I misheard the typical rustling of a blanket and confused it with the sound of an insane person dressed as a clown hiding at the end of my bed crinkling a cello bag.

"Crinkly crinky crink."

I bolt straight up in the bed. I promise that it sounds scary in person. I grab the phone.

"MORGAN. ARE YOU AWAKE." This is said in a quiet loud whisper scream. By this time I am perched like a bird at the end of my bed. I'm up on my toes, crouched, ready to pounce...okay, who am I kidding...I'm ready to will myself to die at the sight of any random psycho that happens through my bedroom.

"Yes. What's up?"

Me: "There's a noise in my room...like a crinkly crinkle. Like...a noise."

Morgan's voice get's very serious. This is the reason I called him, he understands the seriousness of the situation. (Momma was asleep.)

Morgan: "Where is it coming from? Is your light on? Turn your light on!"

Me: "My lamp is on. My closet light is on. My big light isn't on though...I would have to walk on the floor to get to it...sooo."

Morgan: "Can't you lunge at it or something?"

I tell him that I can see just fine between the lamp and my closet light. The crinkling noise is sporadic and coming from next to my dresser. He says maybe something is at the end of my bed, I say, no, I'm at the end of my bed, it's only laundry.

Morgan: "Well, Amber. I'm doubtful that a bad guy would break into your house, hide in your bedroom and crinkle paper."

Me: "Hmm."

Me: "Ohhhhhhhh. I see. It's the diaper pail. It's almost full and it's pulling more plastic bag down on its own."

Morgan: "Goodnight."

Yes. 10 minutes of my life were stolen by a diaper pail.

No shame.