2.20.2012

I Have Hilarious Friends...Friend.

I may have mentioned before that my good friend Shannon is a stand up comedian. To me she is hilarious.

Here is a video of her act at the Fairbanks Funny Festival, just so you know it's super hard to be funny in Fairbanks because it's so fucking horrible there. Just kidding! (No, seriously. Terrible.)

FYI, she is crude and fantastic. You will hear many curse words and the word 'fart'.


Happy New Year...Finale. Finally! AMIRIGHT?

I will put this final installment in list form since I'm tired of creating sentences into paragraphs and whatnot. It's Monday. I just don't wanna.

  1. No running water.
  2. Bathroom: toilet filled with everyone's waste.
  3. Bathroom: no door, only curtain that is easily opened by the dogs and toddlers, revealing yourself to the world.
  4. Walls: Wood supports with insulation between, covered in plastic.
  5. Stairs: NOT TO CODE. No railing, no consistent distance from one to the other.
  6. Upstairs: NOT TO CODE. No guard rail to keep precious babies from plunging to the floor below.
  7. In general: Nightmare fuel.

Conversation between myself and my brother-in-law (it's his cabin) before leaving the next day (-23 degrees by the way).

Me: "I bet this place is going to be really nice when it's done."
Him: "Thanks, yeah it will be."
Me: "Too bad I won't see it."
Him: "Why not?"
Me: "Because there is no fucking way I am coming back out here."

The end.

                          This                            +                          This
                                                No fucking thanks.

2.13.2012

Happy New Year...cont'd.

I stand there looking up at this cabin. On a mountain. Mouth agape. I think that certainly there is a simple way to get up there than just straight up that trail I see...straight up.
I go ahead and start gathering my things, bags, diaper bag, iPad, blanket, baby Coop. Before I can even blink my baby, my sweet precious baby Coop who is just a little two-year-old sweetie is taken from my arms and put in the lap of my brother-in-law on a snowmachine and is whisked up the mountain to the cabin.
All while I stand there mouth hanging open.

All while that child of mine screamed and shit his pants.

I look at my other brother-in-law who stands about 8-foot-tall, sitting on his snowmachine. I quickly realize that I'm not going to fit on that machine, he's obviously been drinking and that incline is about a 90 degree angle up to the house.

"No."
He says, "What?"

"No. I am not riding on the back of that, up the mountain, with you."
He says that's fine, I just need to walk up there.

Blink.
"Walk where? Straight up there?"

"Yes. Straight up that way." He points straight up the fucking mountain.
I notice that there a little windy trail halfway up and I asked if I go on that or do I really, seriously in fact just go straight up. He says that, yes, I need to go straight up. I gather all of my things. Duffel bag (a beautiful felted wool bag that Joe received for Christmas, lovely), diaper bag, blanket, and my iPad.
It's at this point that I would like to remind and point out to you that I just parked my car on a lake. ON THE ICE OF A LAKE MY CAR IS PARKED. Okay, that is all.

I start walking up this mountain (I can't stress this fact enough.) and realize about ten strides up that I am going to die right here on the face of this killing machine. I was near tears and sitting in the snow when I hear the snowmachine start up at the bottom. I know right then that I either make it up or I'm about to be run over. I stand up. Then fall down and proceed to crawl and lunge using all of my limbs and I make it. Only to be greeted by my sister-in-law who says, "You made it!". I grunted a few choice words and flung myself into the house.

I just speed crawled up a mountain in -22 degree weather. My lungs are full of ice and blood and my heart is in my brain. I wasn't able to breathe until yesterday.

I collapse into a camping chair (I'm inside, btw.) and after I'm able to form words that are semi-coherent I mutter, "Man, what a bitch climbing straight up that god forsaken mountain."
"Yeah..that's a...wait, you climbed STRAIGHT up?" replies everyone...except for huge brother in law. "Why didn't you take the switch-back?" asks everyone...except for brother in law that plainly told me not to do that exact thing, so I didn't because I'm a rule follower, especially when my life is on the line and I could've plunged into icy waters below for all I fucking know.

I was air born. I landed on the back of said brother-in-law and attacked with my tiny, inefficient fists.

There's more. I can't talk about it right now, all this reminiscing is making me tired and a little bit psychotic.

Stay tuned!

Almost....there....