I'm So Hot

Getting ready for a baby and just being pregnant in general opens yours eyes to some things. For some people these are beautiful, flowering, amazing things. For others it just brings forward with a severity the things that really piss you off. The things that can literally set you on fire right there in the middle of the kitchen because you are simply loading the silverware basket but the fucking fork will not go in and bounces out and of course falls through the wire drawer and when you try to move it the fork catches it so it won't budge and you are left there a flaming mess and then you realize that you have to pee and your head explodes.

We won't even have to use our heater this winter.

We spent Sunday getting our bedroom ready because that is where this baby will be sleeping. There's a nook in our room that is the exact width of the crib so it works out. Our closet was a mess and now that we have to share it with a baby that already has more clothing than Paris Hilton we had to get it in order. Did I mention that Joe also has more clothing than Paris Hilton. Like father, like son. We finally got it done and it looks pretty good, we just have to be careful what we bump into or the whole thing could implode.

Now that Joe is not working on the slope I have to get used to him being around. Home. All. Of. The. Time. It's great, I'm happy that he's going to be home and not miss holiday's and birthday's. It just takes some getting used to. Especially now that I'm in that nesting phase and a person really can't "nest" properly when her husband is hovering and asking if she still wants this notebook, this notebook here in the trash, do you want this trash notebook, the one here that is in the trash?

I love you my dear, sweet  husband. Welcome home.

The Better To Brew You With

ModCloth.com is my new favorite online shopping experience. They have clothing, accessories, shoes and home decor. They also have a vintage section where they carry unique, authentic vintage pieces. They add at least one piece per day according to the website. Another bonus: $7 shipping!

Now, if I could only find that trust fund...

I will leave the fashion reporting to my brother, Morgan, that's his field of expertise. I will however share a few of my favorite things from the decor section, but you really have to look for yourself. There are tons of items and there's no way I could do it justice with my few picks.

• The Better To Brew You With Teacup - $30
• I Am Not a Paper Cup - $20
• One Tough Chick Wall Hooks - $20
• Feed the Birds Kitchen Towel - $14
• Kawaii Bacon Air Freshener - $2.99 (don't try to lie that you wouldn't love the smell of bacon when you get in your car, I don't believe you)
• Better Than Beauty: A Guide To Charm - $16
• I Am Not a Paper Towel - $14
• St. Petersburg Pillow - $28
• Telegraph Hill Pillow - $25
• Bear Bottle Opener - $14

So, have you gone to the site yet? Why not? Go now. Click now.

Yes, Please Do That

While turning left on the green arrow please back up all of the cars behind you by stopping in the middle of the fucking intersection for no apparent reason. Other than you are a complete moron.

I love it when you do that.

Gotta Have It

Being pregnant requires certain items. For everyone this is different. For me these things are specific and I have listed them below. I cannot survive without these things, do not even think of telling me that we are out of ice or you will find yourself missing a vital appendage.

I did not put prices on here because prices can vary widely depending on where it is purchased on some items.

• Bella Band - I have a black one and a white one
• Blackout Curtains - Need to have these for the Alaska summers
• Arbonne NutrimenC Re9 Serum - Prevents stretch marks, helps to diminish existing stretch marks
• Ice - The freezer bin better be full of delicious ice at any given moment
• Blackberry Curve - Sorry to say I can't live without it, I have been spoiled by the full keyboard
• Always Pantiliners - Are you kidding? I laugh/cough/sneeze, I pee. Part of the pregnant territory.
• MAC Studio FX Foundation - Perfect for covering up Pregnancy Acne, it is so different than regular acne. Comparison would be...hmm. Being tickled lightly and being stabbed in the eye.
• Flats - Don't even ask me to try and tie a shoe
• Laptop - You mean some people remove themselves from the couch to use their computer, gaffaw
• What To Expect When You're Expecting - I love this book and it doesn't instill that blinding fear that some other books do, so nice.
• Arbonne Ginger Citrus Body Butter - One of the only scents I can stand while pregnant and it's only available September-December so I stock up and you should to!

So Proud

I have been blessed with a musically inclined child. She loves music and needs to have it on all the time and not just on but, "Louder, please.", "louder", "Hey, Momma, I said louder, please".

I figured I should start keeping a list because when she's 16 she will never believe me when I tell her about how she used to sing "Sweet Home Alabama" nonstop for hours.

This list is just songs that I remember her specifically requesting, over, and over again. Quite the medley. I will add to it as I remember more or as she adds to the list.

• George Strait
• Baby's Gotten Good At Goodbye
• Overnight Male
• When she found out that George Strait had a movie (Pure Country) she flipped out!
• Lovesick Blues
• Johnny Cash
• Ring of Fire
• Jackson
• Jim Croce
• Bad Bad Leroy Brown
• You Don't Mess Around With Jim
• Don McLean
• American Pie
• Jon Bon Jovi
• Wanted
• Lynyrd Skynyrd
• Ballad of Curtis Lowe
• Sweet Home Alabama
• Classical Music
• I have no idea any titles or composers but she could listen to classical all day
• Billy Idol
• White Wedding

Definition of a Psycho

A psycho by definition is someone afflicted with psychosis. Psychosis by definition is any severe mental disorder in which contact with reality is lost or highly distorted.

Now that I have that out of the way I would like to draw your attention to a commercial that has recently been aired on television. It is a commercial for Clorox Disinfecting Wipes. Click the link to watch the video.

Now, it seems like a normal morning. Mom and son brushing their teeth together, how sweet. Then, THEN, she takes the electric toothbrush out of her mouth only to spray the mirror and her son with her saliva and toothpaste. Please re-read that last sentence. The mother, the adult, the carer of young children. She was the one smart enough to pull a toothbrush out of her mouth and then press the button only to spray the unsuspecting mirror and young child.

After the spraying occurs, she looks down at the boy and shrugs her shoulders as if to say "Hmm, weird, didn't think that would happen."

No, not weird you fucking lunatic! You did that! You stood there and sprayed your spit everywhere and now you have no idea what happened? Please remember this when your son shows up with his knocked up sixteen year old girlfriend and he gives you shoulder shrug like, "Hmm, weird, didn't think that would happen."

Lady, you are a psycho. Afflicted with psychosis and all that jazz. No Clorox Wipe is going to clean up your mess.

The Art of Stalling

Bedtime

"Sweet dreams, I love you, goodnight"

"What?"

"Sweet dreams, I love you, goodnight"

"No, what was in the middle?"

"In the middle?"

"Yes, what was in the middle of what you said?"

"I love you?"

"No."

"Yes, I said, 'Sweet dreams, I love you, goodnight'"

"Oh. Isn't my doll beautiful?"

"Good night Madison"

Again, Like The Animal. Geez, The Simplest Thing.

"What is your last name?"

"Wolf, W-o-l-f."

"W-o-o..."

"W-o-l-f"

"Let's see, what day is your appointment?"

"Tuesday, at eight-thirty."

"Can you spell your last name for me again?"

"W-o-l-f"

"Woos?"

Stabbing myself in the eye with a blunt object. "No. Not Woos. W-o-l-f, Wolf, like the animal."

"Oh."

Scaring Small Children, Just a Hobby of Mine

Last night I attended the premiere of a trailer for a movie that I will have a small part in. Yes, the trailer. We shot the trailer first in order to shop the movie around for funding. The movie is called Proper Binge and it is going to be awesome, in case you were wondering. Dean Mitchell and Mike Burns wrote and will direct/produce it and you couldn't ask for a better couple of guys to work with, the rest of the cast and crew are fantastic too. My brother, Morgan, who did the special effects make up for the trailer and my friend Dana, who also has a small part attended the event with me.
I know what you are thinking. "Wow, an 'event', how fancy!" Yes, so fancy. The event took place in Wasilla at the local gym. Come on people, this isn't Hollywood. The fanciness level was just fine with me, we had a great time and watched the trailer about four times. Then afterwards the cast was brought onstage for introductions. This is the part that I hate. Anytime I'm in a group setting and someone inevitably brings up the fabulous idea of "Hey! How about we go around the room and introduce ourselves!", my stomach dislodges itself from my abdomen and takes place next to my heart in my throat. I can barely hear anything over the pounding of my heart, I don't know what my issue is. I know my name. I know where I'm from. This coming from a girl who would love to be in front of a camera, which for some reason doesn't bother me, but ask me my name and where I'm from and I lose all my shit.

Luckily, Dean introduced all of us, oh and I also put a Dum-Dum sucker in my mouth to deter any crazy ideas that my mouth may have of saying something out loud. Mission accomplished.

There was a couple sitting in front of us that had two small children, the youngest was probably around two years old. When the little boy wasn't looking his parents moved seats, a few rows back. Why? Hell if I know, but I would think that they would take their kid with them. The little boy is standing next to our seats looking lost and I looked down at him and said, "They left.". Right then, thankfully, someone came to his rescue and about that time I realized what I had done. I look over at my brother, who has melted into an unrecognizable blob, competely mortified by my choice of words and I then lost all composure. I tried to conceal my laughter, especially since I had no idea how this kid's vocabulary was and he very well could be telling his mother right at that second that the mean pregnant lady told him that his parents had abandoned him forever. I would then be removed from the film, therefore losing any chance I had at winning an award for Best Actress in a Miniscule Part of an Independent Film.

Water Torture

Bocephus. That's pronounced Boe-see-fuss. He is named after Hank Williams Jr, who was lovingly nicknamed Bocephus by his father Hank Williams. I have vowed to name all my dogs after classic country artists. Don't ask me why. I'm from Louisiana and this is just a little way I can keep connected to my roots I guess, AND I have yet to meet another dog named Bocephus. I'm sure they are out there, but I haven't met one in Alaska; yet.

The resemblance is uncanny.

We adopted Bocephus from the animal shelter when he was three months old, the name on his temporary collar read "Trouble". I'm sure that was just a coincidence. He has grown in the last 2.5 years from a 15-pound fluff ball to a 105-pound dog-beast. He has been trained in the ways of being housebroken, he will sit, lay down, shake hands AND high-five. My dog high-fives! I can't think of a greater accomplishment to have. He will also walk up to your face while you are relaxing in the recliner, wait for you to turn towards him and then burp. He does this on purpose. Everyday. Like clockwork.

He will also walk right between your aim of the remote and the cable box so that you are rendered a blubbering idiot, begging him to move his ginourmous ass away from the TV; "You're daddy wadn't a winduh maker boy!".

He will not roll over. Flat out refuses. I tried for hours when he was a pup but he would just roll halfway and then jump up on all fours like "ta-da, where's my treat?". Then he just kept getting bigger and bigger and me trying to teach him to roll over looked more like a WWE match.

He also will not eat or drink unless he has a witness to the fact. This, this, THIS! This is the bane of my existence. One thing I cannot stand is the sound of someone eating, slurping or smacking. One thing he loves to do is wait until I'm in the room so that he can eat. I can fill his bowls and leave for the day, come back and he hasn't eaten a bite and he won't eat a bite until I am standing within visual proximity to his chomping and smacking or even better until I am relaxed in the living room reading or watching some mind-numbing television (to be honest it's probably the latter, so what).

I asked my husband last night if Guantanamo Bay was still closing soon because they could use the sound of our dog drinking water as torture. It could get confessions out of anyone. I often end up confessing to things right there in the kitchen as he's lapping away.

"Yes! I did it! I bought another pair of shoes at Nordstrom, they are in the back of the closet! Please make it stop!"

Joe says that I can't teach a dog to chew with his mouth closed or drink through a straw, that it's impossible.

Oh yeah? Well he also told me that I couldn't stop the dog from licking himself, and after 2.5 years I have squelched his desire to lick his vacant ballsac and any impulse he has to clean himself while inside the house. Every once in a while I will catch his eye as he lifts that rear leg and aims his nose at what used to be his manhood and it's a heated staring contest until that leg slowly but surely takes its place back on the floor. "That's what I thought" I say and Bocephus replies "I'll lick what I want when I get outside and then come in and burp in your face."

Can't be done. Watch me.