Twix = Amnesty

Have you been watching, nay, enjoying these Twix commercials as of late? "Oh no" you say, "she's watching commercials again..." Again? I haven't stopped, I've just been sparing you the gory details. MATTRESS RANCH! BIG BOB'S FLOORING! GIANT DON'S FLOORING! VOTE FOR 'insert liar here'! "COZY CARPETS!"

Why do the show's I watch have so many flooring commercials? Those three flooring places have one thing in common, theme songs to strangle someone by.

So, back to Twix. Not as annoying as Kit Kat, with it's incessant crunching. Still, equally bothersome.

According to the commercials, if approached with a question or comment that may elude to your infidelity/ stupidity/tendency to lie/boorish behavior then you can simply cram one whole Twix bar in your facehole, thus buying a few millennium to come up with some ridiculous excuse or alibi while you chew away. The person that brought up your indiscretion will then be pleased with your obviously stupid answer and then go about their day, because, hey, there's nothing weird about someone cramming an entire Twix in their face. Right?

Sure. I don't get anxiety just by thinking about it. Hold on while I go and get rid of this excess saliva and take a Xanax. What if you get that whole mouth full then have to cough or, oh no, sneeze? Or, I know you've experienced this, a little bit of chocolate slips down your throat and sends you into a coughing and choking frenzy. I'm sure your wife will appreciate you spewing half chewed Twix into her face just as your lying about your obvious affair. You're so rude.

Oh, we know all about it, don't try to lie about it. Who is she!?

So, thanks Twix for making it okay to lie. And eat an excess amount of chocolate.

Need a moment? To lie!?

At the moment that he crammed that Twix in his mouth I would have been all up in there digging it out, 

like when Cooper tries to eat Kleenex.

Best Commercial EVER.

Thank you Village Inn for the treat you have bestowed upon us.

Click This And Have The Best Day!

Never Again...

Will I eat at a Wendy's fast food restaurant.

Because of this.

Commercial That Ended My Relationship With Wendy's.

I mean it. Seriously.

I hate you...

Kit Kat candy bar.

Due to the new Kit Kat candy bar commercial where it is nothing but people biting into crunchy Kit Kat bars I will never again purchase a Kit Kat wafer bar. It's worse than listening to Bocephus eat dog food.

Suck it Hershey.

What Can I Get For A Dollar?

Commercial judging time. I know what you're thinking, "what the hell does this chick do with her free time?". Well, don't you fucking worry about it.

Anyway. New McDonald's commercial. This guy is going from place to place with a dollar and asking "What can I get for a dollar?" as he holds up this dollar bill. He goes to a travel agency, where he gets a little palm tree; he goes to a dry cleaners, where he gets a hanger; he gets in a cab, then promptly gets out; he goes to a tanning salon, where he gets a little brown dot sprayed onto his cheek. See evidence below.

Wait a minute. What's that? He has all these goods in hand but he is still holding on to that same measly dollar bill. So, his plan was to distract the vendors with his stupid ass question, get them to give him free shit and while they are wondering what medication he is obviously NOT taking he walks out without paying the one dollar for the palm tree, hanger, etc. Asshole.

So, he arrives at McDonald's and asks the over zealous cashier "What can I get with this?" and the cashier promptly lists all of the things that cost a dollar. This makes the man happy. The next shot we see of him he is scarfing down about $4 worth of food. So, in fact this lunch did not cost $1, it probably cost about $4 you fucking cheapskate.

What can I get for a dollar? Apparently whatever the hell you want.

Definition of a Psycho

A psycho by definition is someone afflicted with psychosis. Psychosis by definition is any severe mental disorder in which contact with reality is lost or highly distorted.

Now that I have that out of the way I would like to draw your attention to a commercial that has recently been aired on television. It is a commercial for Clorox Disinfecting Wipes. Click the link to watch the video.

Now, it seems like a normal morning. Mom and son brushing their teeth together, how sweet. Then, THEN, she takes the electric toothbrush out of her mouth only to spray the mirror and her son with her saliva and toothpaste. Please re-read that last sentence. The mother, the adult, the carer of young children. She was the one smart enough to pull a toothbrush out of her mouth and then press the button only to spray the unsuspecting mirror and young child.

After the spraying occurs, she looks down at the boy and shrugs her shoulders as if to say "Hmm, weird, didn't think that would happen."

No, not weird you fucking lunatic! You did that! You stood there and sprayed your spit everywhere and now you have no idea what happened? Please remember this when your son shows up with his knocked up sixteen year old girlfriend and he gives you shoulder shrug like, "Hmm, weird, didn't think that would happen."

Lady, you are a psycho. Afflicted with psychosis and all that jazz. No Clorox Wipe is going to clean up your mess.

If I Catch You Reaching For The Stars I'm Going To Bitch Slap You

I went home for lunch today and sat down with my bowl of Ramen to enjoy some noon-time tv. I had my bowl propped on top of my ever growing belly when an inspirational commercial came on. I expected it to be a LDS commercial or United Way, in fact writing this right now I can't tell you what the commercial was actually for. I do know it wasn't for either of the afore mentioned.

So, the commercial is being told by a girl. When she was a child this girl wanted nothing more than to be a sword fighter. She practiced day in and day out, at one point she is shown with her toothbrush fighting the mirror. Oral hygiene and dreams, this kid is going far. She finally received her first fencing sword for Christmas and boy was she happy. It then fast forwards to present day and shows her winning some fandangled fencing competition and she's there with her mom and all is well in the world.

Fade to black. Then the tagline for the commerical pops up. Prepare yourself to be inspired.

Oh, did I say inspired. I meant un-inspired, taken down a notch, just sit your ass down and stop trying to be somebody. Who the hell do you think you are?

Way to go advertising company, way to inspire our kids to do the bare minimum, to be average. I wish the tagline was "Have Common Sense". I'd rather people have more common sense than to just be competent.

How about:

Or:

Maybe something obvious like:

This works for me:

And then just to get the point across:

Basically, all that trying you've been doing is a waste of time and energy. All the world really wants from you is to function basically day to day.