What a Beautiful Stew

While at the bank recently I noticed that they had a new calendar out for patrons to have...for FREE. I'm all over that shit.

While standing at the teller counter waiting for her to count all my piles and piles of cash...  ...   ...

Are you done laughing? No? Okay, I'll wait.

While she was counting my items, I picked up this calendar. Opened it up to the first month (January, in case some of you are confused about how a calendar works.) and there was a bunny! All of the estrogen in my body kicked in and I whisper-squealed, "BUNNY!", the next month was a moose, then a bear, a caribou, well, you get the picture. Each month had a cute animal that is relevant to Alaska featured. I snatched that sucker up and shoved it in my bag.

Free, remember?

After I got home I took a few minutes to go through the calendar and look at all of the photo's, BUNNY!

Further inspection of each page forced me to come to a very disturbing realization. This is not just a calendar, it is a cook book.

And not just any cook book, but a cook book where they show you a photo of your food in its natural habitat. Then it tells you how to cook it.

Photo of the cutest bunny ever...here's how to cook and then eat it.

Because we hate bunnies.

And you.

And now we have your money.

And we are preparing dead bunnies on it.

RUUUUUUUNNNNNN!!

OR HOP....WHICHEVER.

I Don't Need To Know

Have you seen the new Chevy commercial where the guy goes on the date...then she kisses him...then he gets into his car...then he presses that magic do-all button on his rear view mirror...then the soothing voice says "Facebook Status Update: so and so says 'Best first date ever."

Then he smiles with that face that says, "Damn...maybe I should've gone inside."

Let's break this down. Well, not really break it down. I really one have to say one thing.

I don't ever want to listen to my "friends" Facebook status updates out loud...in my car...or anywhere really. Let's see what that would sound like:

That Girl: I really hope that you're happy bitch. Some people shouldn't spread lies about other certain people and then sleep with that certain person's boyfriend who shall remain nameless. But don't ask me about this in the comments because then there will be 38 updates from everyone else who thinks they have something to say about it.

That Guy: Duuuuuuuude. Just chillin' with the boyz. Got our dicks out swingin in the wind, drunk as hell. Bitchez should hit us up for a good time. By good time I mean getting drunk on jager and then passing out on the bathroom floor. Also, bring cab fare.

Lonely Grrrl: "Insert weird song lyrics here." This song speaks to my soul, mainly because I have no one else to speak to. So I will post random updates with random song lyrics that you may or may not know. And Hanson.

Weirdo or Your Mom: I have a huge festule on my thigh. See pic in my photo album. I think I'm just going to lance it myself. Anyone have any advice? I've now changed my profile pic to the picture of this huge puss filled sac so that you can't help but stare at it and wish that you could stop staring...but you can't...can you?

Too Young for Facebook: Why can't he just see what's here in front of him. I'm not going to wait around for him any longer. I am moving on, I have way better things to do with my life. Since I'm only 15 that means just staying home and bitching about my mom. Oh, look he's calling me finally! Boys CAN change.

Jackass: Click this link to see this awesome thing and then maybe buy it. Or maybe the link is to some sad story. Or maybe it's a chain message and if you don't post it to your facebook also then you will be abducted by alien zombies. That's right. Alien Zombies. AND something that you want to happen won't happen. So there. But be sure and click it. Don't forget.

One Word: Sleepy


So, do you think you would want to hear your "friend's" status updates on your car speaker? I don't. Hell, I don't want to hear my own status updates come out of my own mouth.

But, if you could get it to read a blog to you...that would be something else.

I don't care if you have Beiber fever!

Wait, is it contagious?

Murphy's Law Anyone?

I am really getting tired of the whole "Can something bad happen in this situation? Sure. Okay, then BAM!" situation. It's not even big things that send me over the edge, it's the small stuff. Here's a list. I know how you love my list's.

1. Hands wet? Signal nose to itch like nobody's business.

2. Hands wet? Phone, where are you? Oh, there you are under the important documents. RING!

3. Hands wet? Wait, why are my hands wet all the time?

4. Need to open the car door? Something that needs to not hit pavement go ahead and shoot out like a rocket. Then, have a family of four walk by while I yell "MOTHER FUCKER" into the universe.

5. Trackball on Blackberry broken and just sitting in the holder? Signal pothole so the phone will go flying and the trackball will gracefully jump out the window.

6. Need to rush somewhere? Or even just walk slowly somewhere? Hey foot, why don't you just shoot out towards that wall or handy concrete block. Thanks.

7. Waiting to hear the last results from America's Got Talent? GCI cable, you asshole, go ahead and freeze my episode and then shoot it forward about 10 minutes. You're the best.

8. Have a little extra money? Car break down. Water heater flood. Chaos ensue.

9. Out of diapers? Explosion!

10. Audition? Hi clear skin...goodbye clear skin.

So, that's just a few. I feel better now just getting those irritants off my chest. Now I will go to bed...but not before stubbing my toe on the way and scratching my cornea while taking out my contacts.

Now that I've typed this all up I realize that I may have addressed my Murphy's Law situations before...but I've done all this work so, enjoy.