The Blog Post That Gets My Blog Flagged By All Government Agencies

This is where I tell you that today I will be getting some in-front of the camera acting practice. I will be playing a crackhead. This is my second time working with this particular director and it has been fun to practice and get a few pointers.

I consulted with Morgan on how to make myself look like a crackhead, besides the obvious suggestion that I'm sure you are thinking of right now, which is, duh, become a crackhead real quick.

He told me what he did when he had to make someone look like a crackhead so I tried it out last night and I must say, it worked. After about an hour of walking around the house like that, Madison said, "Did someone punch you...in BOTH of your eyes?"

Then she said that she had a headache. She had been whining a good bit all evening, mostly when I asked her to do something or to eat her food. "My head hurts....my tummy doesn't feel good..." You know, the kid standard. I kept having her drink water and made her lay down. As you know from previous posts, this kid does not do well with being still. She has these legs...and arms....and they're spindly and they move without even being told to. Finally I just sent her to my bed, because sometimes when you're a kid you just feel better if you can lay in momma's bed.

I still go to my momma's house and lay in her bed.

I started looking for any children's pain relief medicine I could find...which was none. At this point she starts crying ya'll. Actually crying. Now I'm really trying to find medicine. MEDICINE THAT I KNOW WE FUCKING HAVE WHERE IS IT!!!!!????? I tore apart every drawer, every cabinet, and every shelf. If you are a parent, and you have ever had a child in so much pain that they are crying and you can't find anything to help them, then I'm sure you know the feeling. It's 11 pm, and I can't figure out what to do. I have infant's tylenol but I can't find a damn thing anywhere that tells me how much I can give an older kid if needed. I have grown up tylenol but it tells you right there to not give it to kids or else all of their organs will go on strike and develop drug problems and bad attitudes.

FINE! We're going to the store I yell at the medicine cabinet. I snatch Coop out of his slumber in his Wonder Pets pajamas, grab Madison by the hand and run out the door. Anyone seeing this from the street would've thought our house had a bomb in it. [Oh, hi Homeland Security, no bomb's here, just an exaggeration. Sorry for any inconvenience.]

Cooper thinks we're going to a party, he's squealing and clapping his hands. Madison is holding her head like if she let's go it will fall apart. I go to the 24-hour grocery store and pull up to the door...the doors that are barricaded with carts. ASSHOLES! I drive to the other doors. Madison wants to stay in the car, but I assure her that if I leave her in the car screaming with a toddler the police will come and take me away.

In the store I put both kids in the buggy and turn to go into the second set of doors...BLOCKED BY A FUCKING SIGN! So, I turn to go into the other doors. Unfortunately, at the same time as a young man who I berated with my comments to noone that WHY IS IT SO DIFFICULT TO GET INTO THIS DAMN STORE AND LOOK! IT'S LIKE A MAZE IN HERE! WHY ARE THERE BEACH TOYS?THERE'S NO BEACH HERE, NO ONE'S BUILDING ANY SANDCASTLES!!!! That man will never get married or have kids. Or go to that store ever again.

I finally get out of the maze of unnecessary summer products and I see that there's only one cashier open and there's a long ass line, a line that I have to cut through with a crying child to get to the pharmacy, a line that I know I'm going to have to stand in with a crying child when I come back. As I cut through the line, I look at everyone and say OF COURSE!! Like it's their fault.

That's when I notice they are all staring at me. That's when I remember.

I LOOK LIKE A FUCKING CRACKHEAD.

I look like a crackhead. I have two children in my cart, both in their pajamas, one of them screaming, one of them clapping, my hair is half in a pony tail and half falling down all crazy, it's almost midnight. At this point I looked down just to make sure I had pants on, I was really unsure. I was surprised to see that I was fully dressed.

Well, at least there's that.

I got to the pharmacy and tore into a box of Tylenol Meltaways, which must be the fucking best thing ever because as soon as she was done chewing them up her headache was feeling better...which was all just in her mind because as soon as we got in the car she was crying again.

While at the pharmacy I stocked up on all child medications because I'll be damned if this happens again. Then I surveyed my cart to make sure I couldn't cook meth with any of these items because I just knew there would be questions at the check out counter, what with me being a crackhead and all. But, because I don't even know what's involved in cooking meth I just crossed my fingers. [Hello, DEA. No meth or crack here, I assure you. Thanks for stopping by.]

And that's that. We went home and I put Cooper back to bed, which really confused the shit out of him because he think's it's morning and where's the balloons, I thought we were going to a party?!

Before.

After...OH MY GOD RUN!!

(note: those aren't real zits...I totally put those on with make-up.)

Tip + Dump = Tump. It Is A Word.

Laying in bed the other night Joe and I were discussing his inability to sleep through someone even thinking. I on the other hand could sleep through a weekend. As a general rule, on Friday night I put on my pajamas and don't take them off until Monday morning. Maybe.

Back to Joe. So, he's a light sleeper. Sometimes. He can sleep through the dog barking outside because he was accidentally left outside by someone, I'm not mentioning any names but it rhymes with Joe...oops. He can't sleep through me silently tiptoeing across the carpeted bedroom floor.

Well, Cooper has been sick with the snot, coughing and then croup. I knew he would be fine through the night and just make some noise. Joe was prepared to not get any sleep, what with being up with the worry and the noise. I jokingly told him that he could sleep through us being burgled but not through me thinking about what's for breakfast. To which he replied, "What the fuck is burgled?"

Blink.

"Burgled. It's a word." I say. "No it's not Amber, you're making up words again." says the man that one time said 'dethaw' and I have yet to let him live that one down. I told him, "Burgled, it's a word, for sure. Plus, it's super fun to say!"

"Goodnight crazy."

Not five minutes later, he's snoring away and I'm reading a book when lo and behold was this sentence, "if I didn't know any better it would appear that I have been burgled." Okay, that's not exactly what the sentence said, I can't remember what it said precisely, I was too excited about 'burgled'!

Joe's back was to me, so I stared at the back of his head until finally he looked over his shoulder at me (I wasn't joking about that whole, can't sleep while I'm thinking thing.) I said, "GUESS WHAT?!"

I've never seen this man move so fast. He was turned over, eyes wild in one move. "WHAT?!" he halfway yelled while staring at the crib. That's when I realized he must think I was going to tell him something about Cooper....but what would I have been saying? "GUESS WHAT?! Cooper can't breathe!" The exclamation 'guess what' is a fun thing, you don't say "Guess what?! You have smallpox!"

I feebly held out the book and pointed at the word and mumbled, "burgled..."

"Goodnight crazy."

Umm, here is a book where 'burgled' is in the title. Yeah, it's a word.

Where I Exhibit My Craziness

I was hungry. Hungry for food with a high caloric and fat count. Outside of my office is a coffee shop that has delicious croissant sandwiches. Out I go.

I step outside and feel the raindrops on my face.

I announce, out loud, in a sing-songy, high-pitched voice "It's raining!" complete with arms waving in the air. I glanced to my left to see a man standing on the front steps of the next door office. Knowing that I can't fix what I just did I whipped my head around so all he could see was hair.

Obviously this has disguised my crazy. Only, I didn't just turn my head so he couldn't see me, I also began laughing like a crazy person. Great. I'm sure him driving away tires squealing wasn't because he was in a hurry to get somewhere...he was in a hurry to get away.

And to top it all off, the girl at the coffee shop tells me they don't have bacon, egg, and cheese sandwiches. When I know for a fact that they do and she's just new and incompetent.

Still hungry. And also crazy.