That's My Name

Customer Service Tech:  And what is your last name?

Me: Wolf

Customer Service Tech: Can you spell that for me please?

Me: W-O-L-F

Customer Service Tech: Okay, you're last name is W-L-L-F.

Me: Yep. All consonants.

Yes. Yes, I did.

Operator: "Last name please."

Me: "Wolf. W-o-l-f."

Operator: "Did you say W-o-o-f."

Me: "Yes."

Again, Like The Animal. Geez, The Simplest Thing.

"What is your last name?"

"Wolf, W-o-l-f."

"W-o-o..."

"W-o-l-f"

"Let's see, what day is your appointment?"

"Tuesday, at eight-thirty."

"Can you spell your last name for me again?"

"W-o-l-f"

"Woos?"

Stabbing myself in the eye with a blunt object. "No. Not Woos. W-o-l-f, Wolf, like the animal."

"Oh."

That means no e.

Since being married on the bitterly cold day of January 5, 2008 I have had the joy of correcting everyone I meet on the street of the spelling of my last name. It's Wolf, like the animal.

I was warned of this by my sister-in-law, she often complained of her maiden name days and of common misspellings. "People misspell "Wolf", no way." I scoffed. Yes, I scoffed, I hate to even admit that. Sorry. I thought that maybe it was her, that she must have been saying her own last name in some strange, alien way that would give strangers the reason to question the spelling of such a simple name. Wolf. W-o-l-f. Easy. How hard could that be? Fucking hard apparently.

"What last name is the account under?" innocent and helpful customer service representative
"Wolf." patient and caring consumer
"W-o-l-f-e" dumbass cashier that most likely failed out of every grade except kindergarten
"NO E, like the animal" wild-eyed and drooling customer, growling just to enhance the fact that it's like the animal

I know that I will get hate-mail accusing me of being a heartless bitch that just needs to calm down and rejoice that I don't have a last name like "Brandanowitz". If you knew me you would also know that the term "calm down" will also send me into a frenzy.

I'm estimating that on average I spend about 20 minutes per week explaining that my name is Wolf, like the animal. No E, just one O, just one L, just one F. Like the animal.

Tom Wolfe, see E's are scary people.