No Thank You Vistaprint

I love Vistaprint. They have great stuff, great prices, and frequent cool deals.

Free business cards? Yes please.

I can never have too many of these.

 

 

Have you ever purchased anything from Vistaprint? I won't wait for your response - I'll just go right into my rant, if you don't mind. Of course you don't. You're so polite.

 

When you purchase something from Vistaprint they are super happy about it and they really want you to buy more stuff! YAY THINGS! I'll walk you briskly through this scenario...if I spend too much time on it my nose will start to bleed again.

 

Oh look, business cards. Click. Design. Add to cart. Checkout.

 

What's this? Business card holders? No thanks. (Or yes, if you are into throwing away your money.)

 

NEXT.

 

This isn't the checkout screen...what...oh, business card sized calendars...hmm.

 

NEXT

 

My credit card is ready...wait...no, I do not want to register a domain name..what fresh hell?

 

NEXT

 

FINALLY take all of my information already!

 

Finish...oh cool, I can review my order one more time before it's fina....NO I DON'T WANT ANY GODDAMN ADDRESS LABELS FOR THE SWEET LOVE OF GOD. Finalize without address labels.

 

And that my friends, is what it is like buying something from Vistaprint.

 

*bow*

 

Basically what I'm saying is, Vistaprint is great and also at the same time irritating.

 

Here's the website: Vistaprint get some stuff that you need, and also some stuff that you don't need.

 

They have no idea I wrote this - and they probably wouldn't even approve of it if I did. I pay full price for all of my business card needs. (Unless they are having a free business card special - which is often.)

 

Worth every penny.

A Feral Angelo - a made up story.

My favorite (only) brother Morgan and his boyfriend, Angelo, came to visit recently. It was only the best time of my life because they are my favorites.

One of Morgan and my favorite past times is to make up stories about people - we can go on for hours about the group of people sitting at the restaurant all wearing the same type of shirt. They are clearly a cult. Clearly.

While they were here we did a lot of stuff and mainly drove my car everywhere. At one point Angelo attempted to get into someone else's car assuming it was mine. Well...

Me: What if Angelo had gotten into that car and stayed there...not knowing it wasn't my car?

Morgan: Yes. He fell asleep in the back because he was so tired from all of our activities.

Me: Yep. He falls asleep waiting for us and wakes up in a dark garage.

Morgan: Because the car owners didn't see him back there - sleeping away.

Me: Of course. He's all snuggled up. He wakes up and it's dark and he's all 'Whaaaa? Where am I?"

Morgan: He doesn't have his phone because he left it here, in your actual car - so he can't call for help.

Me: Of course not. He gets out of the car and goes to knock on the door into the house and the people answer...and they're naked. They're nudists.

Morgan: God, yes, of course they are. Nudists. Just naked. They invite him in and are super friendly.

Me: They won't let him use the phone - they don't have electricity...they have, like, burn barrels IN the house.

Morgan: And no wifi. Uuuuuughh. They want him to join their nudist colony in this weird house.

Me: They walk on all fours...not even like, hands and knees.

Morgan: Feet and hands.

Me: Finally he gives in...what's that called...?

Morgan: Stockholm syndrome. He gets naked and he's living in their world. Burn barrels...

Me: No wifi...no electricity...

Morgan: Monsters.

Me: He can't escape even if he wanted to - their are bars on the INSIDE of the windows and doors.

Morgan: We find him and we knock on the door...and he's all 'Guys, I live here.'

Me: And we're all, "It's been 45 minutes...."

Morgan: Right?!

Angelo: What are you guys talking about...?

Here we are making up a story about you right now...

It's basically the funniest thing you've ever heard.

Thought Processes of an Amber

Everyone has different ways of living their lives. Different reasons for doing things, different methods...different thought processes. I never really think about it but I realized that maybe mine are kind of...different? Or maybe they're the same as yours.

For instance - I have a pretty standard uniform everyday - jeans, black shirt or sweater...or jeans, sweatshirt, or cigarette pants and a top...or whatever the hell. This is my thought as I get dressed:

"When I get home tonight can I also sleep in this shirt?"

The answer is typically and almost always yes - if not the outer shirt, at the very least I can sleep in the shirt that's underneath it. BAM - convenience.

SOMETIMES the shirt you see me in is the same shirt I slept in. MOST DAYS the pants you see me in are the same pants I wore yesterday. EVERYDAY you see me, I'm adorable - so does it really matter?

My thoughts on showering -

AM Showering:

"Do I have time to dry and fix my hair? No - then no shower. I'll put it in a bun."

PM Showering:

"Do I need to dry and fix my hair tonight so that tomorrow is looks presentable? Yes - then no shower. I'll put it in a bun tomorrow."

All girls think like that right there - and if they deny it, they're liars. And their hair is dirty.

My thoughts on waking up early in the morning -

"If I set two alarms I'll have one alarm I can snooze and one that is set for my real needed wake up time and I'll get up to that one - having satisfied my need to hit 'snooze' while still waking up on time."

That's my "thought process". My "actual process"? -

/snooze /snooze - one hour later - "Fffffuuuuuuuu - I'm late."

So...am I so weird? Am I the only one that is planning on wearing the same shirt I'm wearing right now to bed tonight?

Maybe I am, and that's fine by me.



Good morning...never.

If you know me personally you know how much I loathe the morning time...well, not the actual "morning", but the act and necessity of having to remove myself from the comforts of the bed. It's just the absolute worst.

I've never in my life been a morning person - with the one exception being Christmas morning, because Christmas is my favorite and I still go to sleep with butterflies in my stomach and wake up with a dumb grin on my face. Because I'm a human with a heart and soul.

Momma is the definition of morning person. She wakes up singing songs and twirling around sprinkling fairy dust on everything or whatever it is you morning people do. Momma had several ways of waking Morgan and I up in the mornings of our childhood, I will outline them here for you to cringe at.

• Open bedroom door - yank open curtains - sing some ridiculous song about morning time and smiles.
• All of the above PLUS tearing the blanket off of our sleeping warm bodies.
• All of the above PLUS sitting on our bed, bouncing up and down and tickling us because she's the devil.

THEN. THEN, she gave up on all of that because Morgan and I are terrible, horrible people and would yell at her and make mean faces and kick her off of our beds. That's when she deployed the most terrible and awful way to be woken up. She would literally annoy us awake. (I know, the things above are pretty annoying - but just you fucking wait.)

Here it is. Here is what she would do. From the second floor - she would yell up to the third floor where our bedrooms resided. She would yell:

Amber. Amber. Amber. Morgan. Morgan. Amber. Morgan. Morgan. Morgan. Amber. Amber. Morgan. Morgan. Amber. Morgan. AmberMorganMorganAmberAmberMorganAmberMorgan. AmberMorgan.

Repeat.

Repeat.

Repeat forever in the most monotone voice you can think of.

During all of this we are yelling - STOP IT. PLEASE. GOD. STOP. OKAY. OKAY. STOP. WE'RE UP!

We weren't up. We lied. Sometimes we would drag our sleepy bodies to the top of the stairs and yell down FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING IN THE WHOLE EFFING WORLD WOULD YOU PLEASE STOP MAKING NOISES WITH YOUR FACE?! WE LOVE YOU. DON'T GROUND US. ALSO, TOASTER STRUDEL. TWO PACKETS OF ICING BECAUSE ONE PACKET ISN'T ENOUGH.

So, why? Why can't I just BE a morning person? I want to be. I wish I could be cheerful and happy in the morning, I don't want to be hateful and terrible - I just am. Morning are just so hard. They're usually cold. My face is all sleepy. My limbs are sleepy and don't want to work. My brain is all, "No. That dream was good - let's go back to that!". If I wake up to my alarm clock - which I will snooze for approximately an hour - I'm not horrible to anyone. BUT if a person wakes me up, UGH, just, don't.

I've tried several "tricks and tips" to becoming a morning person and they just make me more grumpy and tired. I've given up - I will just remain...whatever the opposite of morning person is. Fantastic? Yes, that must be it.

An ideal world...

Yellah

I'm assuming all of the people reading this aren't from the same general location. Just an assumption. Perhaps you are from the North...South...East...West...

I am from the South. I live in the God forsaken North, but I will always be Southern. I've been away from home for about 12 years - so long. My accent has definitely decreased but there are a few words that I still pronounce in Southern fashion (or wrong, as some people put it). Also, if I'm mad or have been imbibing, my accent comes back. If I speak to someone from home for even a few minutes it comes back full force. It makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside. I find that a lot of the time I will pronounce words the way I think people want to hear them... Since some people (one person) in my life insists on correcting the way I speak sometimes. If you have an accent and live somewhere besides your hometown do people correct you? When they do, do you punch them in the throat? Just curious.

Here's a little list of words and how I pronounce them or the word I use instead of the original. I guess I could've done a video for it...but, meh.

• Aunt - Aint (I know that this makes no sense to anyone where I live now but that's just how I grew up saying it - Aint Pam)
• Oil - Ol
• Yellow - Yellah
• Window - Windah
• Pillow - Pillah...okay, anything with an "oh" sound at the end automatically turns into "ah"
• Tip/Dump - Tump, I combine those two words to make one word and it's adorable. (Be careful or you gonna tump it over.)
• Anything with 1 syllable can be made into 2 syllables, anything with 2 syllables can be made into 8 syllables. Simple math.
• Theatre - Cinema, because that's more fun to say.
• Route - Root
• Fire - Faaar, because reasons.
• Ruin - I used to pronounce this "Rern"...but now I just pronounce it how it looks.
• Going to/About to - Fixin to (this is one of the ones that people used to call me on ALL the time, so annoying)

There are more, but that at least shows you a little glimpse into my weird ways. Which aren't weird at all, just different than some.

Oh, one more. What do you call saran wrap? I call it "film". I didn't even realize anyone called it different until I moved here and momma sent my stepdad to the store for film and he came back with Kodak.

Where I'm from every "soda" is called "coke".

You wanna coke?

Yep.

What kind?

Sprite.