A Fashion Bonfire...if you will.

The worst part of my day? Getting dressed, well except for the days that I have to dismantle car engines and rebuild them with popsicle sticks, that's also a pretty rough day.

Getting dressed, so simple. And by simple I mean 'can't be achieved without trying on a minimum of 3 pairs of pants and 27 shirts and then throwing them all over my room as if a fashion grenade went off and used my tears as part of the shrapnel', oh yeah it's that simple.

As I've mentioned before I have lost my pre-baby weight but remember before I had said baby I was still 30lbs heavier than I wanted to be and now my hips are still a foot wider, my stomach doesn't know which direction to go, my thighs fight for control and my boobs, well, I won't get into that except that depending on the time of day one of them is double the size of the other and half of it has taken up residence under my armpit and under my chin of which I have 2.

Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating...maybe not. I guess that description is basically how I "feel" I look. Fun! Feelings! Let's all get together and FEEL our FEELINGS and LOVE and blah blah blah puke.

So. I hate getting dressed. It ruins my day. On Easter I wore a Jem and the Holograms T-shirt, today I wore a trashbag.

Jem! Woo ooo, she's truly outrageous, truly truly truly outrageous!

Whoa hoa Jem, wooooo she's truly outrageous!

And, you're welcome.

Join me in the near future. Today perhaps. When I throw all my clothes into a huge barrel and light them on fire. Bring marshmallows, ooh and some of those leftover Easter Peeps we all know that I ate all of mine.

Exercise In Futility

I have been trying to exercise on a regular basis to get my weight loss and getting back in shape situation going. I hate yoga, I can't do it. I can't watch the video, listen to what she's saying, breathe in and out and not fall over. I tried swimming yesterday. Because you know, nothing dangerous can happen while swimming.

I actually put my swimsuit on, luckily noone was injured by this action alone. I was joined by two friends, true friends because they did not laugh, point or pretend not to be with me when I walked out of the locker room in my pieces of fabric. I didn't bring goggles or a cap so the plan was to just do laps with one of those floaty board things (yes this is the technical term) and kick myself up and down the lane. Hannah joined me in this exercise, as did Erin when she took breaks from actual swimming. Show off. I didn't do too bad, I was much slower than everyone else, I also get distracted by water. So pretty. Half of the time you would find me simply floating mid-lane with a sparkle in my eye and my hands making waves in the water. And I wonder why I never got that lifeguard job...

At one point we were congregated at one end of the lane just chatting. Taking a break from it all. I'm holding on to my floaty board thing (Yes! That's the accurate term, quit questioning me!) and at that moment the board decides that it hates Erin and must destroy her immediately. It shoots out of my arms like a rocket and before she even knew what was happening "BAM!" the corner of the board assaults her eyeball.

That's right. EYE BALL. She didn't have time to blink, just "BANG!". She didn't even know what hit her. Literally. She thought I elbowed her. Which made me feel like more of an asshole because she went on believing it was my elbow for about 20 minutes.

I felt so terrible and couldn't stop apologizing. I also couldn't stop laughing, because that's what I do. Laugh. I nearly drowned a couple of times because of course I laugh with my whole body and my mouth wide open, that isn't the best combination for being in the water.

I tend to be accidentally dangerous in many situations. I mean, someone is getting hurt, I guess it was just her time.

Oh, wait, that's not true! I found out after the fact that before I maimed Erin, I hit Hannah in the throat. So, if I had known that I hit Hannah then my brain would have said, "Okay, our work is done here." But no, I wasn't aware so Erin also had to take a hit.

Technically it's Hannah's fault.

What's That Noise?

Oh, that noise? The noise that you will be hearing tomorrow when I join some friends for swimming at the local high school? Oh, that.

That is the sound of women and children screaming and running with their eyes closed, therefore slamming into each other at incredible speeds but they are not bothered by that because if they uncover their eyes they will forever be blinded by the vision that they have seen. What is seen cannot be unseen.

Me. In a bathing suit.

Go ahead. I'll wait. Are you done? Okay.

What is happening is, I'm trying to get back into pre-baby shape. I have been working out which is starting to feel great. I just really need to take it up a notch so I'm trying everything. "Everything" now includes swimming on Saturday mornings.

When I say swimming I mean floundering above water on a floatie board while kicking my legs like I'm trying to escape the Kraken.

I tried my swimsuit on tonight. It's not good. Not good at all. I had to take it off before one of my ass cheeks beat the other into submission for power of the small amount of fabric attempting to hold them both into one space.

Getting back to pre-pre-baby weight.

Alright. 6 weeks ago I gave birth. I am already down to my pre-baby weight. Yay. Not. I wasn’t happy with that weight then, and I’m not happy with it now. Now I feel fat plus I smell like spit-up. I can only wear my hair in a pony tail or Cooper will yank it out, I have one pair of jeans that fit (I refuse to buy more since I will be much smaller soon so I don’t want to waste the money), I have to wear my glasses because I have a recurring sty and I’m running out of clean nursing bras.

Forgive me if I don’t feel sexy.

So, I’m getting started while I’m still breastfeeding since it’s much easier to lose weight at this time. After I had Madison I got right back down to size but then gained it back, pretty much just in one year, the year after we got married. Hmmm, related, yeah.

Here’s the data. I can’t believe I’m sharing this.

Pre-Madison: 135

Right before delivery: 188

Post-Madison: 135

Pre-Cooper: 165

Right before delivery: 187

Current: 166

My goal is a healthy 135. Stop laughing. It’s on! I tried to workout today, first I started pilates and I spent 10 minutes wrestling with Bocephus for floor space then Cooper started to wake up from his nap crying. Then I started to get on the elliptical later on and the phone rang and then Cooper woke up from his nap. Then I gave up and Madison asked me why my sneakers were next to the recliner.

Good day.