The Cake That Took 3 Months To Make

A few months ago. Before Cooper was even born. I bought a box of pineapple upside down cake mix. It’s my and my Dad’s favorite. I got home to make the cake only to discover that it wasn’t the kind that came with the pineapple. So. There I am with a box of cake mix and no pineapple and no icing so I can’t even just make a regular cake. My mom is crying tears of shame right now.

There the box sat. I gave birth. Christmas passed. Finally a week ago I bought pineapple. Yay me.

I’m home, ready to bake the cake, excited for the dessert I’d have later. I reach in the cupboard for the brown sugar. Oh, wait. I’m all out. Dumb.

A few days later I finally remembered to grab some brown sugar. Woohoo. Mmmm, cake. Drool.

I’m at home. In the kitchen. I pull out my mixing bowl, the box of mix, the brown sugar, the pineapple, butter and the eggs. Wait, eggs? Oh, look, I need 3 eggs. How many eggs do I have? 1. One. Uno. Not enough. Shit.

I give up.

No I don’t, because I love cake.

The next day I get eggs. YAY. I made it home and to the kitchen without any of the ingredients disappearing.

13x9 pan?

Of course not. Why the hell don’t I have that particular size? Hell if I know. But, according to the instructions I can split the cake between to 8x8 pans.

It could have said that I needed to split it between all of the pans left in my cabinet and I would have done it. This fucking cake is getting made.

Three months later I have not one but two beautiful pineapple upside down cakes. I just hate one.

Not a piece.

One cake.

Be Vewy Vewy Quiet

It’s late. I’m tired.

Wait, that’s not it.

I’m exhausted. I’ve been up for hours. Rough, I know. It is when the baby was up most of the night before and now he is finally down for the night. Or, for the next 15 minutes. Yeah, that sounds more like it.

Since he’s asleep I’m supposed to be asleep, but I just really want to straighten up a bit so I don’t have to wake up to a messy place. Tip-toe, whisper, all of that jazz. I’m doing great until…

I’m in the bedroom, yeah, the bedroom that he’s sleeping in, and I’m trying to just gather a few things up to throw in the wash all while trying to hold my drooping eyelids open and…BAM.

I tiptoe my ass right into the door.

Why not? I’m already a zombie, let’s just add a concussion.

Grand.

This Kicked My Ass

Pardon Me While I Cry In My Beer

Most of the commercials this year sucked. I looked forward to the commercials, expecting to laugh my ass off but instead I found myself crying.

Yup, crying.

Pigs Have Flown. Hell Has Frozen Over.

Super Bowl Sunday. This was the biggest game of my families life. Our team, the Nawlins Saints were finally in the game. 43 years we’ve been waiting for this, we’ve been fans even when they were the “Ain’ts”, well, the Ain’ts is. It’s about damn time.

Well, we didn’t just make it to the game we won the game and validating all of my years of ridicule that I endured from those jackass Dallas Cowboy fans. No offense honey. (Through no fault of his own, Joe is a Cowboy’s fan. Sorry Daddy.)

Since we won, I will forgive the announcer for pronouncing Nawlins like “New Orlee-ans”. This time.

Less Than Pleased? Upset? Sad?

No. He’s pissed the fuck off.

We took a trip to Wal-Mart today. Just me and Cooper, Madison is at her dad’s and Joe is back to work on the slope.

So, here we are in Wal-Mart, in the Valentine’s Day section. Cooper had been a bit fussy all day but he had just had a good nap so he seemed to be doing okay, a little grunt here and there. As I’m looking for a card for Joe I can tell that Coop is getting restless, so I start rolling the cart back and forth to calm him down. I can’t find a good card and Cooper is really starting to cry. I’m scrambling to find a card. I have to get one now because if I don’t then I won’t. I just grab one and take off down the aisle. As long as I’m moving swiftly he seems to quiet down.

I just needed a few more things for Super Bowl and we can get out of here. Well, as I’m getting these few more things Cooper is really roaring. I grab them frantically. Coke, chips, velveeta, ro-tel, brownie mix, Saints paper plates (okay, I didn’t need those, but I wanted them!), and crushed pineapple. Don’t ask.

I keep seeing a mom from Madison’s school and I avoided her like the plague. If I saw her on one aisle I would run down the next or if I saw the end of her buggy coming out of an aisle I would duck down the nearest one. How could I tell which buggy was hers just by the end of it? Oh, because her child was inside it and she did see me and I’m sure she told her mom and now her mom thinks I’m rude for ignoring her at the Wal-Mart. Sorry world.

Finally. At the checkout counter and by God that cashier could not move fast enough. Fellow mom’s kept coming up to checkout the screaming kid. The ONLY screaming kid in Wal-Mart by the way. The first time ever that there wasn’t an army of children screaming in the corridors. The mom’s would say things like “Oh, he’s mad.”, “Aww, what a sad baby.”

Back it up so I can get the hell out of here lady. As I run to the front door all of the cashiers and patrons are smiling at me with pity. Escaping through the door I can practically hear the applause.

The end. Oh, wait. There’s more.

We’re in Alaska. If you don’t know what the means, it means that in the winter the parking lots are about as smooth as a mountain range. I can’t push the buggy with the carseat in it, I have to carry the carseat on one arm and push the buggy with the other. This means that I don’t get to go straight to the car, no, the bumps and hills send me on a trek. When I finally get to the car with my soda turned torpedo’s I have just about had enough.

Well, that was until I dropped my cell phone.

It slid under my car.

It’s winter. In Alaska. We had a blizzard last night.

Kid. Screaming.

The end.

(Hysterical laughter)

No, we’re not done here.

Since we had that wonderful snowstorm last night the so friendly snow plows came to our neighborhood while I was gone. The left a 3 foot tall snow berm. My eyes practically popped out of my skull. What happened next can only be described as a scene.

I rammed the berm with my car and couldn’t quite get my back tires over it all the way. So, I backed up and rammed it again. And again. And again.

Right now my car is parked half in the street and half in the driveway.

Suck it Municipality of Anchorage.

The Ways He Lays

Head under the chair. Classic Bocephus. This will shield his head and ears from pesky 6-year olds.

Covered in Spit-Up and Hair

It’s true. Sad, I know.

After having a baby you lose a lot of hair. A lot. I can just run my fingers through it and pull out enough to put a toupee on your uncle. That’s just the stuff that I get that way, it’s another story all of the hair that is draped across my clothing, the hair that falls on Cooper, the hair that is left on every seat that I sit on.

I’m surprised I have any left.

Next to that hair that I’m pulling off my shoulders is spit-up. Spit-up on my shoulders, spit-up on the front of my shirt and spit up on the back of my pants. That’s right. How did he do it? Hell if I know. This shit gets everywhere.

So, I was thinking that after I had Coop and lost all my baby and pre-baby weight that I would change my look up a bit.

I just didn’t know that my accessories would be baby burp and hair strands.

Ain’t I beautiful?

Yes, Please Do That

Drive by my house in the middle of the night in your piece of shit car with the stereo blaring so loudly that it sounds like someone is banging on my front door.

I love it when you do that.

The Ways He Lays

I have noticed, well since we rescued Bocephus from the pound, that he doesn’t just lay down. He sprawls, or splays, or curls…well, you get the idea. He has the strangest positions and locations. So, in honor of my boy I will begin a new recurring post that will include a picture of his various naptime choices.

Here we go.

Believe it or not this is one of his “go-to” positions. He likes to prop his head up on various household items and nod off. His eyes popped open in response to the camera, after the shot he simply grunted at me and fell back to sleep.