Ball?

I make him say "Ball" no less than 96 times per day. It never gets old.

Don't mind the oatmeal on his face...
and please don't pay attention to the fact he is in desperate need of a haircut.

The Road Is Their Home....if you help.

Okay. There are only 9 days left to pledge money to help Thera go on tour.

Visit their Kickstarter page, and pledge whatever you can or want to. That would be fantastic. Because, see they have done a shit ton of work to get ready to go on tour and it would be so very sad if they didn't get to go. Also, if you pledge they give you presents! PRESENTS!

I'm totally down with some presents.

Here's the page, help if you can.

Thera's "The Road is our Home" tour.

How can you say no to these faces?

An Unfortunate Theme

Welp, I guess the theme of the week is spiders. Lord save me.

As I'm telling you these next couple of things please keep in mind that this happened in one day. And not just that, but all in the span on one hour. All in one hour. When I take down my ponytail later I'm betting my hair just comes out with it.

We are all in the car heading to a birthday party, at a bouncy house play land, I should've taken a xanax. On the way to buy the gift I hear a whisper scream from the backseat. It sounded like "spppprrrrrrrrrrrr".

I turned around to say, "Whaaaaa?" When I saw it...legs. I've trained myself to maintain my composure in high stress situations around my children. I stayed relatively calm while levitating out of my seat. I could see Madison slowly coming unglued.

It was hanging out on the ceiling of the vehicle like it was invited. It was not.

We pulled up the to the store and Joe let us out...well, I got out after the car stopped...Madison, not so much. When we got back to the car we asked if he had murdered the spider.

"Yep."

Then as I'm buckling in he says to me, "I forgot." Fool.

He said that at the same time that Madison realized that she had been betrayed. I'm afraid that anything that I say will not even come close to the description of what happened next. Basically, Madison lost all of her shit. Somehow she buckled herself in (only after I warned her of car accidents that involve being flung through windshields) while crouching in front of her seat. One bump and she would be strangled. We drove to the bouncy house play land wonderous universe and again she was out of the car like nothing I've ever seen before.

I don't think she even used the door handle, she just kicked it open with her two feet and leaped for the sidewalk grabbing her headband as it flew off her head midair.

Joe killed the spider and all was instantly well in the world.

NEXT.

We are in the bouncy house play land wonderous  universe of amazing miracles and Joe tells me a gem of a story. Are you ready?

He says, "Last time I brought the kids here this big fat black hairy spider came down from the ceiling on it's web...it was huuuuuge." (then he made a big circle with this fingers to demonstrate the size of the alien spider)

I said, "So...it's STILL HERE!?" (yes, people were staring)

He said, ".....................................................yessssssssssss. Fuck."

Everyone there thought I was coming down from sort of drug that I don't know about because I've never done drugs.

Don't let that smile fool you. That bag is where he keeps the teeth.

And souls.

Sweet Dreams He Says...

Do you like spiders? Did you say "No."? Or did you say, "What the fuck, are you crazy! 'Don't Like' doesn't even begin to explain my gutteral hate for those creatures of serial murder and too many damn legs!"? If you said the second thing then we are probably friends.

If you say, "Meh, spiders ain't so bad." Then you are insane. Spiders are that bad.

I'm not sure what fuels the general populations' hate on for spiders. Maybe it's because they are spiders...but I'm only guessing here.

Last night before bed. And I mean, like, right before. Like, I was already in the bed and all ready to get all snuggly with my blanket and get my dream on. So close to closing my eyes and resting peacefully.
Right before all of that.
Joe says, "Well, there are spiders in the closet."

DING says my eyes.

All I could squeak out was a "Whaaaaaaa?"

"Yep. Found one today. So you should probably check your clothes before putting them on."
Then I explain that my clothes aren't going in the closet anymore and if tomorrow he would kindly get them all out of the closet and put them on the dresser that would be fantastic. Also, why do you hate me?

His utter confusion is what baffles me. Know what else? When we met he said that he hates spiders and this was backed up by his family. They all said that he hated them. I liked that. We both have an extreme hate of spiders and that would be good for us together because we would be hyper alert to the monsters.
Little did I know that this was a lie. A falsehood if you will. He doesn't hate spiders. He isn't bothered by their presence or even their existence. He can be in the same room with one and not require emergency assistance from firefighters or ninjas or a tiny spider killing army.
Long story short, I didn't sleep well last night and so far I have lost a bathroom and a closet to a spider.
Dammit.

See. Even spiders are on my side.

Fantastic Find

Sometimes when I'm out mingling amongst the humans I see really awesome things that I think maybe you would like to know about. I will start sharing these things with you.

I am not being paid or acknowledged for telling you about things, this is done all on my own and the people that make or distribute whatever I tell you about have no idea who I am.

Unless I tell you otherwise.

First thing.

Okay, I didn't actually find this. My super awesome friend Stephanie gave me one of these cards for my birthday and now I am in love with them and will probably only give these cards from now on. (While we're on the subject of Stephanie, don't forget to help them go on tour by donating to their Kickstarter!)

They are by Bald Guy Greetings.

This is the card that I received:



The shop that she purchased it at is called Fuego, I couldn't find that you can order these cards from that store, but you can order them directly from the Bald Guy site itself. Or go to the site and search for the location nearest you!

Momma's Page

I hope you have checked out the page dedicated to the things that Momma says and does.

There's a new conversation up. Wanna know what it's about?

Then go read it.

Okay. Here's a hint.

Get it?

No?

How 'bout now?

No?

You definitely have it figure out now...right?

 

 

 

A Remodel

Today Madison came to me (read: ran up to me convulsing) and calmly explained (read: shrieked and drooled) that there is a spider in the downstairs bathroom. I tried to calm her down, though I was fuh-reaking out on the inside. Who doesn't hate spiders? If you don't hate spiders then maybe you are in the wrong place. Seriously. Get out. Wait. Stay. You can get rid of them for me and then keep them in your weird spider jars or whatever you people keep them in.

Since she absolutely refused to go back downstairs to get her clean pajamas out of the dryer, I had to go. What? Where do you keep your clean clothes?

The laundry room is connected to the bathroom. I walk into the bathroom the whole time yelling up to Madison, "WHERE IS IT?" she described to me where it was residing. Please understand that what I'm about to explain to you is not an exaggeration.

I saw that spider (which now I believe is actually some sort of tiny monster, but what spider isn't? AMIRIGHT!?) and I couldn't contain myself. I yelled and kept yelling all the while trying to clamor into the laundry room to grab her shorts. When I came back out of the laundry room the spider was gone...not GONE but moved briskly to another location. Probably nearby which is why I started stomping my feet like a maniac. I escaped the bathroom unscathed. I closed the door.

That room will from now on be referred to as "The Spider's Room". Whatever clothes are in there are there to stay. In fact there's a hell of a lot of clothes in there because I haven't done laundry in two weeks and I just took it all down there. Also, all of our towels.

And that's that. I now have a one bathroom house and I need to go shopping.

- towels
- socks for everyone
- underwear for everyone
- all new clothes for the kids
- just a couple of tents for me thanks, I've gained a million pounds this month
- tiny spider furniture...I can scoot it under the door probably...wait! I NEED TO BARRICADE!

 

Photo from the talents of Allie Brosh and her blog Hyperbole and a Half.

We have a similar view on spiders and that is all that I ask.

New Old

While at the park the other day I saw a little boy that I thought went to Madison's school. I asked her who he was...


Me: Who is that?

Madison: I don't know his name. He's new old.

Me: What? He's not in your class?

Madison: No.

Me: What is new old? (instantly realizing I made a mistake I put my sunglasses back on so she couldn't see my eyes bleed)

Madison: Like. I've been at the school since Kindergarten, so I'm old. Gabe just started so he's new. Kelly is old new. That kid is new old.

Me: Okay. But what is old new and new old? (yall won't believe this but I kept a straight face when asking this question)

Madison: (audible sigh) Nevermind.

I still don't know what new old or old new is, but you can be I'm going to start using it in conversation.

The Road Is Their Home

Thera is about to go on tour. If you're lucky it's in a city near you. If you're super duper lucky it's in your own damn city. Can you effing imagine?! That would make you the luckiest person ever in the history of awesome things happening to an awesome person. (FYI the awesome person is you, genius.)

Here's the video for their Kickstarter page. Watch it. Then go to their page and pledge some of your money to help them tour. Because you want to. Don't you? Yes. Then click HERE!

What a Beautiful Stew

While at the bank recently I noticed that they had a new calendar out for patrons to have...for FREE. I'm all over that shit.

While standing at the teller counter waiting for her to count all my piles and piles of cash...  ...   ...

Are you done laughing? No? Okay, I'll wait.

While she was counting my items, I picked up this calendar. Opened it up to the first month (January, in case some of you are confused about how a calendar works.) and there was a bunny! All of the estrogen in my body kicked in and I whisper-squealed, "BUNNY!", the next month was a moose, then a bear, a caribou, well, you get the picture. Each month had a cute animal that is relevant to Alaska featured. I snatched that sucker up and shoved it in my bag.

Free, remember?

After I got home I took a few minutes to go through the calendar and look at all of the photo's, BUNNY!

Further inspection of each page forced me to come to a very disturbing realization. This is not just a calendar, it is a cook book.

And not just any cook book, but a cook book where they show you a photo of your food in its natural habitat. Then it tells you how to cook it.

Photo of the cutest bunny ever...here's how to cook and then eat it.

Because we hate bunnies.

And you.

And now we have your money.

And we are preparing dead bunnies on it.

RUUUUUUUNNNNNN!!

OR HOP....WHICHEVER.