Boom.

Have you ever disarmed a bomb? No? Have you ever put a toddler to bed?

It's the same thing...except more dangerous. 

Since being moved to a big boy bed my little perfect sleeper Coop has been an absolute hellion at bedtime and it is slowly murdering my soul. 

We have a bedtime ritual - it involves hugs and kisses to everyone, potty (attempt - almost always fails), change the pull-up, and brush teeth.

Then he has to make sure he has his favorite blanket and any animal he is currently obsessed with. Finally it's storytime. Typically it's two stories but sometimes he can coax a third story out of me - especially if I can get him to chime in on some of the words in the book. It's so damn adorable.

Once he finally lays down he like to have his back patted. Now, my typical rule of thumb is to pat his back for a few minutes and then leave him to fall asleep on his own..HA HA HA right. That involves hours of me putting him back in bed and I just can't do that every night - I have a life and a delicate psyche.

Many nights I will pat his back until he falls asleep - because it's quicker that way. Do you know what this involves? Let me paint you a picture.

I pat/rub his back. He rolls around like a dog in mud for awhile. I continue to pat/rub his back. The sleepier he gets the slower I pat/rub. After his eyes close I stop patting/rubbing all together but leave my hand on his back. After a few moments I slowly lift my fingers off of his back, then my wrist, then my forearm. I keep my arm hovering for a second - just in case the red wire touches the blue wire. Then I slowly - SLOWLY - get up from my seated position next to his bed. It is important that I check my knee proximity to the bed so that I don't hit the bed while I'm getting up. I stand slowly and then proceed to leave the room.

There is a squeaky floor board between the door and bed, I know exactly where this floor board is. I can elegantly step over it avoiding any noise and then leave the room. 

Have you seen the movies where a bomb squad dismantles the bomb and they think all is good and they're walking away all slow-motion and bad ass-like, but then something goes wrong and BOOM! Fiery death ensues!

That's what it's like when Joe goes in and steps directly on that fucking squeaky floor board.

Every. Goddamn. Time.