Questions to Ask Yourself if You are Thinking of Having Children

So, you're thinking of having a child - well, you should ask yourself a few questions. Even though some of these questions may seem humorous to you now, I assure you that I am very serious.

  • Can you love this child no matter what? Like, even if they paint your bathroom counter with nail polish and don't tell you but instead try and clean it up with super glue...because for some reason they think that it made total sense at the time.
  • Are you willing to catch vomit in your hands?
  • Are you willing to pick their nose? Or wipe dripping snot from their face. (You may or may not have something to then clean your hand with. Keep that in mind.)
  • You will lick your hand and wipe their face. Don't sit there in your fancy clean chair and try and tell me that you won't. You will, and when you do you will think back to this moment and say, "She told me."
  • Are you willing to take a hamster to the vet and pay a bill that costs far, far, far, far more than the purchase price of a new healthy hamster that looks exactly like the hamster they already have? Are you?
  • Can you laugh about farts? This is basically a deal breaker - you must be willing to laugh about farts.
  • And burps.
  • And butts.
  • Can you look at this child right in their face and answer all of their questions about vaginas, penises, and how their reproductive system works while retaining a straight face?
  • You must be willing to dance spontaneously and do all of the voices when reading at bedtime - if you don't, your child will become an asshole. Don't get mad at me, it's science.
  • Will you do anything to make this child laugh when they are sad/mad/in a funk? May include any or all of these, in private and/or in public:
    • shake your butt
    • pick your own nose
    • make a monkey face
    • make fart noises with your mouth and/or armpit
    • make real fart noises with your butt
    • pretend like you're going to eat their face and/or belly
    • put their feet in your mouth
  • Can you watch them make terrible decisions, and let them so that they can learn? Things like putting ketchup on a hot dog, or saying no to cheese when they order a pretzel.

This is just the tip of the iceburg...just a few questions to get those old wheels turning. Of course if you want to have a child, then these questions are meaningless to you because of course you can handle all of these things.

I'm serious about the fart thing.

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I love it when you say things to me that reinforce me positively. So...carry on then, do that thing. Lastly, capital hat!