Momma's Page

I hope you have checked out the page dedicated to the things that Momma says and does.

There's a new conversation up. Wanna know what it's about?

Then go read it.

Okay. Here's a hint.

Get it?


How 'bout now?


You definitely have it figure out now...right?



A Remodel

Today Madison came to me (read: ran up to me convulsing) and calmly explained (read: shrieked and drooled) that there is a spider in the downstairs bathroom. I tried to calm her down, though I was fuh-reaking out on the inside. Who doesn't hate spiders? If you don't hate spiders then maybe you are in the wrong place. Seriously. Get out. Wait. Stay. You can get rid of them for me and then keep them in your weird spider jars or whatever you people keep them in.

Since she absolutely refused to go back downstairs to get her clean pajamas out of the dryer, I had to go. What? Where do you keep your clean clothes?

The laundry room is connected to the bathroom. I walk into the bathroom the whole time yelling up to Madison, "WHERE IS IT?" she described to me where it was residing. Please understand that what I'm about to explain to you is not an exaggeration.

I saw that spider (which now I believe is actually some sort of tiny monster, but what spider isn't? AMIRIGHT!?) and I couldn't contain myself. I yelled and kept yelling all the while trying to clamor into the laundry room to grab her shorts. When I came back out of the laundry room the spider was gone...not GONE but moved briskly to another location. Probably nearby which is why I started stomping my feet like a maniac. I escaped the bathroom unscathed. I closed the door.

That room will from now on be referred to as "The Spider's Room". Whatever clothes are in there are there to stay. In fact there's a hell of a lot of clothes in there because I haven't done laundry in two weeks and I just took it all down there. Also, all of our towels.

And that's that. I now have a one bathroom house and I need to go shopping.

- towels
- socks for everyone
- underwear for everyone
- all new clothes for the kids
- just a couple of tents for me thanks, I've gained a million pounds this month
- tiny spider furniture...I can scoot it under the door probably...wait! I NEED TO BARRICADE!


New Old

While at the park the other day I saw a little boy that I thought went to Madison's school. I asked her who he was...

Me: Who is that?

Madison: I don't know his name. He's new old.

Me: What? He's not in your class?

Madison: No.

Me: What is new old? (instantly realizing I made a mistake I put my sunglasses back on so she couldn't see my eyes bleed)

Madison: Like. I've been at the school since Kindergarten, so I'm old. Gabe just started so he's new. Kelly is old new. That kid is new old.

Me: Okay. But what is old new and new old? (yall won't believe this but I kept a straight face when asking this question)

Madison: (audible sigh) Nevermind.

I still don't know what new old or old new is, but you can be I'm going to start using it in conversation.


The Road Is Their Home

Thera is about to go on tour. If you're lucky it's in a city near you. If you're super duper lucky it's in your own damn city. Can you effing imagine?! That would make you the luckiest person ever in the history of awesome things happening to an awesome person. (FYI the awesome person is you, genius.)

Here's the video for their Kickstarter page. Watch it. Then go to their page and pledge some of your money to help them tour. Because you want to. Don't you? Yes. Then click HERE!


What a Beautiful Stew

While at the bank recently I noticed that they had a new calendar out for patrons to have...for FREE. I'm all over that shit.

While standing at the teller counter waiting for her to count all my piles and piles of cash...  ...   ...

Are you done laughing? No? Okay, I'll wait.

While she was counting my items, I picked up this calendar. Opened it up to the first month (January, in case some of you are confused about how a calendar works.) and there was a bunny! All of the estrogen in my body kicked in and I whisper-squealed, "BUNNY!", the next month was a moose, then a bear, a caribou, well, you get the picture. Each month had a cute animal that is relevant to Alaska featured. I snatched that sucker up and shoved it in my bag.

Free, remember?

After I got home I took a few minutes to go through the calendar and look at all of the photo's, BUNNY!

Further inspection of each page forced me to come to a very disturbing realization. This is not just a calendar, it is a cook book.

And not just any cook book, but a cook book where they show you a photo of your food in its natural habitat. Then it tells you how to cook it.

Photo of the cutest bunny ever...here's how to cook and then eat it.

Because we hate bunnies.

And you.

And now we have your money.

And we are preparing dead bunnies on it.