Yes, Please Do That

Drive by my house in the middle of the night in your piece of shit car with the stereo blaring so loudly that it sounds like someone is banging on my front door.

I love it when you do that.



The Ways He Lays

I have noticed, well since we rescued Bocephus from the pound, that he doesn’t just lay down. He sprawls, or splays, or curls…well, you get the idea. He has the strangest positions and locations. So, in honor of my boy I will begin a new recurring post that will include a picture of his various naptime choices.

Here we go.


Believe it or not this is one of his “go-to” positions. He likes to prop his head up on various household items and nod off. His eyes popped open in response to the camera, after the shot he simply grunted at me and fell back to sleep.


Getting back to pre-pre-baby weight.

Alright. 6 weeks ago I gave birth. I am already down to my pre-baby weight. Yay. Not. I wasn’t happy with that weight then, and I’m not happy with it now. Now I feel fat plus I smell like spit-up. I can only wear my hair in a pony tail or Cooper will yank it out, I have one pair of jeans that fit (I refuse to buy more since I will be much smaller soon so I don’t want to waste the money), I have to wear my glasses because I have a recurring sty and I’m running out of clean nursing bras.

Forgive me if I don’t feel sexy.

So, I’m getting started while I’m still breastfeeding since it’s much easier to lose weight at this time. After I had Madison I got right back down to size but then gained it back, pretty much just in one year, the year after we got married. Hmmm, related, yeah.

Here’s the data. I can’t believe I’m sharing this.

Pre-Madison: 135

Right before delivery: 188

Post-Madison: 135

Pre-Cooper: 165

Right before delivery: 187

Current: 166

My goal is a healthy 135. Stop laughing. It’s on! I tried to workout today, first I started pilates and I spent 10 minutes wrestling with Bocephus for floor space then Cooper started to wake up from his nap crying. Then I started to get on the elliptical later on and the phone rang and then Cooper woke up from his nap. Then I gave up and Madison asked me why my sneakers were next to the recliner.

Good day.


Bocephus is due for a post, so here.

We brought a baby home six weeks ago and Bocephus couldn’t care less. The night we brought him home (it was night because the on-call pediatrician that was supposed to check us out at noon didn’t show up till 8pm in his cross-country ski gear claiming he had been…busy…right.), I digress, he approached the car seat, gave it a sniff, realized it wasn’t a treat and he went back to bed.

I mean, come on! I was expecting something, a little jealousy a little face licking, something! Nothin’. If we’re holding Cooper, Bocephus will sniff us, sniff him and go about his business. It’s when we’re not holding Cooper that he takes the opportunity to berate us for attention. He’s pretty much saying, “Hey, you’re not holding the small one, the medium one is done crawling all over me so now you better pet my damn head or I’m going to stand here all night”, and he will, don’t think he’s bluffing.

If I leave with Cooper as soon as I return Bocephus is re-sniffing him and the car seat, like I’m trying to smuggle contraband into prison. He won’t do anything until I put the carseat down so he can sniff all over it and make me crazy. Sometimes I’ll hold the carseat a little longer than comfortable just to make him squirm. Don’t do this to a real prison guard, they don’t like that.

Any blanket that Cooper has been laying on the floor with Bocephus has to lay on it too, sometimes he’ll sneak his head or a paw on it while Cooper is still there but once I pick him up Bocephus takes over. Then I have to snatch it up and lint-roll the hair off. Okay, I hardly have time to lint-roll baby blankets people! It’s fine. Really.

So, this is all good right? I have a well-adjusted dog, a well-adjusted 6-year old…now to have a well-adjusted husband.

This post dedicated to Rodney Long. He hasn’t spoken to me lately, I can only assume it’s because I have posted about Bocephus recently. So, here you go. Happy Birthday. Merry Christmas.







Give A Little Bit


Yesterday Haiti suffered a 7.0 magnitude earthquake and is in dire need. My household is currently unemployed and we have no funds to assist and can’t travel to help either, so here are some ways that you can help.

You know, because I have a million viewers and you will all select a link and donate some of your excess money. I know you have it, I know you do. Do it. Click it. Now.

Planting Peace

World Vision

9 Ways To Help

Red Cross

Samaritans Purse



Thanks, I needed that.

Me: Did you have a good day at school?

Madison: Yes. But, this is the best part.

Me: What part?

Madison: Being with you.

Me: Melting into an unrecognizable puddle of loved goo.

1st Day! 3 Days Late!


How Do You Do That?

Even in your little cute baby sleep you manage to find at least one strand of hair, wrap it around your little hand and then YANK.

Thanks, I needed a jolt of pain to wake me up. What? Rest? Me?



A Test In My Patience

My laptop is making a noise. The noise sounds like a coffee pot, a coffee pot full of coffee that I wish I had right now because it is 2:35 am and I am exhausted.

I put Cooper down at 8:00 pm and he hasn't woken up yet. He has never slept this long and instead of being in bed enjoying my six hour nap here I am waiting for Dell Online Support. Why? Um, because that's what the website told me to do. There was an email option but that is for low priority problems, there was even a list of possible low priority issues and computer that sounds like percolator was not one of them so I am assuming that my problem is severe and that I need to use the Chat support option so that I may chat with a support person immediately. Well, immediately if your definition of immediately is four hours later.

There's a queue you see. When I started I was number 14, that was around 10pm (I think), it is now 2:39 am and I am number 2. Number 2, I have been number 2 for over an hour.

"Is there a number to call?" you may be asking. Yes. Why don't I call it? Oh, that's an easy question to answer.

Because I hate to talk to people.

Okay, that's not completely true. I do love to talk to my friends and some of my family, most of the time. It's been my experience that whenever I call a place for support or to order food for delivery it just ends in disaster. I also will not ask for help finding anything in a store. I can usually find it faster than the person that works there and to be honest I like the hunt.

Okay, to be really honest, sometimes when I see someone I know in public I will avoid them like the plague if I don't feel like dialoging.

To be extremely honest, I avoid people a lot.

Which is weird because I am  very outgoing, friendly, easy to talk to and all that jazz. It's just that sometimes, I don't want to get invested in a conversation while standing in the middle of a store. I hate having to walk around two people that have rediscovered eachother after years apart and are now catching up on all the old times and, "Oh, remember when Susie dumped Fred, yeah well they got back together and have three kids, none of which are his", and on and on. Um, excuse me, you are blocking the pop tarts and your heathen kids are running up and down the aisles and if you don't reign them in I'm going to trip them. Thanks.

See how nice I am, sorry I won't talk to you in public. It's for the best. Call me later.

I'm still number 2.


Previously Mentioned – Yes, Please Do That

You know what I would love for you to do?

Sit in silence with me for hours then when the phone rings and I answer and become involved in conversation, at that moment I want you to start talking to me and don’t forget to ask me a question.

Mmmm. I love it when you do that.


Maiming By Sty.

That’s right. I have a sty. On my left eye, upper eyelid. This on the day after my cuticle debacle. The pain. It’s all puffy and red and painful.

Yes. I am complaining.

There are people all over this world that are starving and are in serious, dangerous pain and here I am bitching about an infected cuticle and a sty. Sorry Mom. Sorry God.

The pain! I blink and my eye tears up. I can only imagine that it will wait until maximum capacity to drain, when I am in a public place and I will have sty goo dripping down my face and Cooper will be crying to be fed and Madison will need to know when we are going to Disneyland, my phone will ring and when I answer Joe will decide that right now is the time that he needs to ask me a complex question.

By the way, I removed my cuticle band-aid and there was a little bit of puss goo.




Death By Cuticle

I have a very serious ailment.

For a reason that I cannot explain, yesterday I grabbed my cuticle on the side of my pinkie nail with my teeth and ripped it down to the quick.

Then I shot myself in the foot. Well, I wish I had because at least then I would have something else to focus on besides this radiating pain in my pinkie finger.

First thing this morning I put a band-aid around the tip of my pinkie to buffer it from flying objects and hammers. Didn’t matter, anything that could hit it, smack it, slam it, brush past it, wink at it, did and good God did my eyes bleed every time. This thing has a heartbeat. I know that I sound like I’m whining. It’s because I am, I am whining about my poor pinkie finger.

I’m a whiner. No shame.

Joe scoffed that it couldn’t possibly be that bad, that people must just handle pain differently. He said that to me, to a woman who just five weeks ago birthed a child out of her vagina. Yeah, we all just handle pain differently. Right. If my finger looked how it felt it would be the size of an apple and be oozing puss.

I’m contemplating breaking the finger just to get some relief. I’m secretly hoping that when I do remove the band-aid (next year) that there is puss, then I will feel justified.

Yes, that was me just hoping for a pussed up, infected cuticle just so I could feel justified in all my whining.

Like I said, no shame.



America's Funniest Video's

This is a popular show in our house. The name says it all, America's Funniest Video's. The funniest videos in America? Sign me up.

Plus, it's funny when people fall. You know it is.

There was a marathon of this show on the other day and since I am at home with a baby stuck to my boob for most of the day I of course enjoyed this marathon of falling down. I did of course notice a few things, a few things that happened over and over and over again. Please enjoy the list below.

  • A person that owns a bird will always stick their tongue out in front of the bird and get bitten.
  • A person that owns a lizard will always stick their tongue out in front of the lizard and get bitten.
  • A person that owns a small dog will always stick their tongue out in front of the small dog and get bitten.
  • When encountering a small crab the person will hold it near their nose/ear/nipple and then be surprised when it latches on.
I have not tried to analyze these crazy actions. It would inevitably result in a nosebleed.

So, you have at it. I have passed the torch. I have a headache.