Too bad I didn't notice I only had eye makeup on one side of my face.
Did. Not. Notice.
Is that right? Is it “Bare” or “Bear”? I’m too tired to look it up. So what the fuck ever.
I need to bitch. I mean really bitch. Bitch about things that don’t even matter. So, it you are interested stick around. If not, if you can’t deal with someone bitching about every little thing then please feel free to excuse yourself.
Here we go.
I have a DVR, for a reason, you know to record things that I want to watch but aren’t available to do so at the moment. Well my DVR likes to pick and choose when it wants to work, which lately is only about 2% of the time. I hate calling the cable company because they are all idiots. I would cancel but if you cancel one thing it makes the cost of the other thing triple. I have static. My couch, loveseat and recliner give me static. My arm hair is constantly lunging away from my body and anything I touch sends a surge of electricity through me, including this laptop. I’ve eaten three heart shaped boxes of chocolate since Sunday. I have a zit that replenishes itself every hour. Anytime my hands are full or dirty or wet or messy my nose runs or my eye itches or an eyelash gets into my eye and if feels like a tiny splinter has wedged itself into my cornea. There’s dog hair everywhere. I vacuum everyday and that damn dog comes in and places his body on every available carpeted space and rolls around. My hair hurts. If I don’t wash my hair everyday I have to put it in a ponytail, which makes my hair hurt. If I put my hair in a ponytail I have to also wear a headband to cover up my receding hair line that I have after having a baby. If I don’t wear my hair in a ponytail I am dealing with stray hairs all day everyday all over everything. I bit my cheek therefore it is swollen and I keep biting it over and over and over again. My laptop battery only stays charged for an hour so I have to have it plugged in all the time. What’s the point of having a laptop if I still have to stay near an outlet? The seats in my new car are cream, why did I get cream colored interior since I have 2 kids and a small bear as a pet? Hell if I know. My dark wash jeans, no matter how many times I wash them, have stained my drivers seat blue. BLUE. FUCK. I tend to put my right hand under my right thigh at work while I am reading, so my right hand is also blue. I have no available wall space in my house. We have 500 DVDs and 4 pieces of furniture to hold them, I can’t find just one thing that will hold them all. My husband bought a big plastic rubbermaid container with doors and put it in my dining room, you know for storage. Looks great. It sits next to the elliptical that never gets used. I’ve been on my period since I gave birth in November. My dog has taken up barking at everything that passes our house while he’s outside. I’m grouchy. I’m bitchy. I need a shower. I want a vacation. A vacation that sometimes I think we will never get to take because we will be paying bills and debt forever.
I have two beautiful children who can turn my day around just by being near me. I have a daughter who knows that when I am fighting with the vacuum cleaner cord if she tells me she loves me it will make my day. I have a baby boy with the best baby smell in the world, if I could curl up and live in his neck I would. I have a home and food to eat. I have a handsome husband who loves me even when I hate him. Hell, I love him even when I hate him. He wants to fix every problem I have and hates that he can’t and I won’t let him. I have the best family anyone could ask for. My momma somehow knows exactly when I need her to call me. Her sweet voice will bring me to tears right when I need it. Without my daddy I would probably be living in squalor. He has been a huge and wonderful part of Madison’s life and now Cooper’s, they are so lucky. My brother is amazing. He can make me laugh when no one can and he is my inspiration. I have great friends, one for every mood I’m in. I have a wonderful job and a wonderful boss and coworkers. I have a great dog that even though I trip over him most days and he makes me crazy, he is a part of this family and we wouldn’t be the same without him. I can walk, I can see and hear, my kids are healthy and happy and will go to great schools. We live where there are beautiful mountains that my family and friends in other states will never see. I have God in my life even though I’m not a frequent visitor of the Church. I pray every day and thank him everyday for the blessings in my life. Without these blessings I would have nothing to bitch about and for that I am thankful.
After 11 wonderful weeks with my baby boy I head back to work this week. I’m ready. I can totally do this.
I’m totally cool.
I’ll have adult conversation. A reason to put actual clothes on everyday and wash my hair regularly. My workmates will be pleased with that. I will have to pump the boobs in my office…need to make a Do Not Disturb sign for that.
Hmm. Should I put on the sign that I’m pumping my boobs or do you think the noise alone will let them know?
I can do this…
Hi checker at Wal-Mart. Could you please go slower while scanning my groceries? I see that you are only reading every other item label, why don’t you go ahead and read them all. While you’re at it go ahead and run back and grab some of that Thai Chili Tuna that you are so interested in.
Yeah. Don’t you worry your pea pickin’ heart about my 11-week old screaming in his car seat. I can see it hasn’t sped you up any so please, take your fucking time.
A few months ago. Before Cooper was even born. I bought a box of pineapple upside down cake mix. It’s my and my Dad’s favorite. I got home to make the cake only to discover that it wasn’t the kind that came with the pineapple. So. There I am with a box of cake mix and no pineapple and no icing so I can’t even just make a regular cake. My mom is crying tears of shame right now.
There the box sat. I gave birth. Christmas passed. Finally a week ago I bought pineapple. Yay me.
I’m home, ready to bake the cake, excited for the dessert I’d have later. I reach in the cupboard for the brown sugar. Oh, wait. I’m all out. Dumb.
A few days later I finally remembered to grab some brown sugar. Woohoo. Mmmm, cake. Drool.
I’m at home. In the kitchen. I pull out my mixing bowl, the box of mix, the brown sugar, the pineapple, butter and the eggs. Wait, eggs? Oh, look, I need 3 eggs. How many eggs do I have? 1. One. Uno. Not enough. Shit.
I give up.
No I don’t, because I love cake.
The next day I get eggs. YAY. I made it home and to the kitchen without any of the ingredients disappearing.
Of course not. Why the hell don’t I have that particular size? Hell if I know. But, according to the instructions I can split the cake between to 8x8 pans.
It could have said that I needed to split it between all of the pans left in my cabinet and I would have done it. This fucking cake is getting made.
Three months later I have not one but two beautiful pineapple upside down cakes. I just hate one.
Not a piece.
It’s late. I’m tired.
Wait, that’s not it.
I’m exhausted. I’ve been up for hours. Rough, I know. It is when the baby was up most of the night before and now he is finally down for the night. Or, for the next 15 minutes. Yeah, that sounds more like it.
Since he’s asleep I’m supposed to be asleep, but I just really want to straighten up a bit so I don’t have to wake up to a messy place. Tip-toe, whisper, all of that jazz. I’m doing great until…
I’m in the bedroom, yeah, the bedroom that he’s sleeping in, and I’m trying to just gather a few things up to throw in the wash all while trying to hold my drooping eyelids open and…BAM.
I tiptoe my ass right into the door.
Why not? I’m already a zombie, let’s just add a concussion.
Super Bowl Sunday. This was the biggest game of my families life. Our team, the Nawlins Saints were finally in the game. 43 years we’ve been waiting for this, we’ve been fans even when they were the “Ain’ts”, well, the Ain’ts is. It’s about damn time.
Well, we didn’t just make it to the game we won the game and validating all of my years of ridicule that I endured from those jackass Dallas Cowboy fans. No offense honey. (Through no fault of his own, Joe is a Cowboy’s fan. Sorry Daddy.)
Since we won, I will forgive the announcer for pronouncing Nawlins like “New Orlee-ans”. This time.
No. He’s pissed the fuck off.
We took a trip to Wal-Mart today. Just me and Cooper, Madison is at her dad’s and Joe is back to work on the slope.
So, here we are in Wal-Mart, in the Valentine’s Day section. Cooper had been a bit fussy all day but he had just had a good nap so he seemed to be doing okay, a little grunt here and there. As I’m looking for a card for Joe I can tell that Coop is getting restless, so I start rolling the cart back and forth to calm him down. I can’t find a good card and Cooper is really starting to cry. I’m scrambling to find a card. I have to get one now because if I don’t then I won’t. I just grab one and take off down the aisle. As long as I’m moving swiftly he seems to quiet down.
I just needed a few more things for Super Bowl and we can get out of here. Well, as I’m getting these few more things Cooper is really roaring. I grab them frantically. Coke, chips, velveeta, ro-tel, brownie mix, Saints paper plates (okay, I didn’t need those, but I wanted them!), and crushed pineapple. Don’t ask.
I keep seeing a mom from Madison’s school and I avoided her like the plague. If I saw her on one aisle I would run down the next or if I saw the end of her buggy coming out of an aisle I would duck down the nearest one. How could I tell which buggy was hers just by the end of it? Oh, because her child was inside it and she did see me and I’m sure she told her mom and now her mom thinks I’m rude for ignoring her at the Wal-Mart. Sorry world.
Finally. At the checkout counter and by God that cashier could not move fast enough. Fellow mom’s kept coming up to checkout the screaming kid. The ONLY screaming kid in Wal-Mart by the way. The first time ever that there wasn’t an army of children screaming in the corridors. The mom’s would say things like “Oh, he’s mad.”, “Aww, what a sad baby.”
Back it up so I can get the hell out of here lady. As I run to the front door all of the cashiers and patrons are smiling at me with pity. Escaping through the door I can practically hear the applause.
The end. Oh, wait. There’s more.
We’re in Alaska. If you don’t know what the means, it means that in the winter the parking lots are about as smooth as a mountain range. I can’t push the buggy with the carseat in it, I have to carry the carseat on one arm and push the buggy with the other. This means that I don’t get to go straight to the car, no, the bumps and hills send me on a trek. When I finally get to the car with my soda turned torpedo’s I have just about had enough.
Well, that was until I dropped my cell phone.
It slid under my car.
It’s winter. In Alaska. We had a blizzard last night.
No, we’re not done here.
Since we had that wonderful snowstorm last night the so friendly snow plows came to our neighborhood while I was gone. The left a 3 foot tall snow berm. My eyes practically popped out of my skull. What happened next can only be described as a scene.
I rammed the berm with my car and couldn’t quite get my back tires over it all the way. So, I backed up and rammed it again. And again. And again.
Right now my car is parked half in the street and half in the driveway.
Suck it Municipality of Anchorage.
It’s true. Sad, I know.
After having a baby you lose a lot of hair. A lot. I can just run my fingers through it and pull out enough to put a toupee on your uncle. That’s just the stuff that I get that way, it’s another story all of the hair that is draped across my clothing, the hair that falls on Cooper, the hair that is left on every seat that I sit on.
I’m surprised I have any left.
Next to that hair that I’m pulling off my shoulders is spit-up. Spit-up on my shoulders, spit-up on the front of my shirt and spit up on the back of my pants. That’s right. How did he do it? Hell if I know. This shit gets everywhere.
So, I was thinking that after I had Coop and lost all my baby and pre-baby weight that I would change my look up a bit.
I just didn’t know that my accessories would be baby burp and hair strands.
Ain’t I beautiful?