I'll Be Gumming My Dinner In No Time

One of my fears is that my teeth will one day fall out. I'll just open my mouth they will fall out and make plinking noises like piano keys. I sometimes have dreams about it and I wake up and systematically check each tooth by trying to wiggle them. I'm sure that I'm not helping things by wiggling each tooth. I've probably done it enought that eventually I will just wiggle them all out. I'm my own worst enemy.

I recently learned that having dreams about your teeth falling out means financial stress. Well, I have plenty of that and I'm sure the stress is what's going to make my teeth fall out.

Last night while flossing I came to a point where one tooth shot a searing white-hot pain into my brain. I tested it to make sure and sure enough, it hurt so bad I couldn't bear to floss in that location. So of course I did what anyone else would do. I brushed again, used my Water-Pik filled with water and Listerine, then brushed again using the "I'm not fucking around" brush head, then I stared at the ceiling all night wondering if I'd have any teeth left in the morning.

Did I call the dentist? No.

(I'm not inserting my usual picture of something related to my story here because the thought of looking up anything regarding teeth falling out already has me grossed out enough. So please enjoy this cute kitty.)

My Momma Said

Eating dinner with Momma and Morgan one night, Momma had a very important question to ask.

Momma: "Okay, so did Angelina and Brad really break up?

Me: "Oh, Morgan give me my phone. Let me give Angie a call and find out..."

Morgan: Reaches for phone.

Momma: Waits expectedly.


Exercise In Futility

I have been trying to exercise on a regular basis to get my weight loss and getting back in shape situation going. I hate yoga, I can't do it. I can't watch the video, listen to what she's saying, breathe in and out and not fall over. I tried swimming yesterday. Because you know, nothing dangerous can happen while swimming.

I actually put my swimsuit on, luckily noone was injured by this action alone. I was joined by two friends, true friends because they did not laugh, point or pretend not to be with me when I walked out of the locker room in my pieces of fabric. I didn't bring goggles or a cap so the plan was to just do laps with one of those floaty board things (yes this is the technical term) and kick myself up and down the lane. Hannah joined me in this exercise, as did Erin when she took breaks from actual swimming. Show off. I didn't do too bad, I was much slower than everyone else, I also get distracted by water. So pretty. Half of the time you would find me simply floating mid-lane with a sparkle in my eye and my hands making waves in the water. And I wonder why I never got that lifeguard job...

At one point we were congregated at one end of the lane just chatting. Taking a break from it all. I'm holding on to my floaty board thing (Yes! That's the accurate term, quit questioning me!) and at that moment the board decides that it hates Erin and must destroy her immediately. It shoots out of my arms like a rocket and before she even knew what was happening "BAM!" the corner of the board assaults her eyeball.

That's right. EYE BALL. She didn't have time to blink, just "BANG!". She didn't even know what hit her. Literally. She thought I elbowed her. Which made me feel like more of an asshole because she went on believing it was my elbow for about 20 minutes.

I felt so terrible and couldn't stop apologizing. I also couldn't stop laughing, because that's what I do. Laugh. I nearly drowned a couple of times because of course I laugh with my whole body and my mouth wide open, that isn't the best combination for being in the water.

I tend to be accidentally dangerous in many situations. I mean, someone is getting hurt, I guess it was just her time.

Oh, wait, that's not true! I found out after the fact that before I maimed Erin, I hit Hannah in the throat. So, if I had known that I hit Hannah then my brain would have said, "Okay, our work is done here." But no, I wasn't aware so Erin also had to take a hit.

Technically it's Hannah's fault.


What's That Noise?

Oh, that noise? The noise that you will be hearing tomorrow when I join some friends for swimming at the local high school? Oh, that.

That is the sound of women and children screaming and running with their eyes closed, therefore slamming into each other at incredible speeds but they are not bothered by that because if they uncover their eyes they will forever be blinded by the vision that they have seen. What is seen cannot be unseen.

Me. In a bathing suit.

Go ahead. I'll wait. Are you done? Okay.

What is happening is, I'm trying to get back into pre-baby shape. I have been working out which is starting to feel great. I just really need to take it up a notch so I'm trying everything. "Everything" now includes swimming on Saturday mornings.

When I say swimming I mean floundering above water on a floatie board while kicking my legs like I'm trying to escape the Kraken.

I tried my swimsuit on tonight. It's not good. Not good at all. I had to take it off before one of my ass cheeks beat the other into submission for power of the small amount of fabric attempting to hold them both into one space.


Grocery List

When I go to the store I rarely make a list because, 1: I can typically remember the things I need, 2: I love to piss myself off by getting home and realizing that I forgot half of the things that I needed. It's how I do.

Joe always makes a list.

This weekend we needed to hit up the Costco. I'm not pregnant anymore so everyone is relatively safe. I say "relatively" because I am still hormonal and sleep deprived, pick your battles.

Joe begins to make the list. He writes a few things down and then says he needs deodorant.

"How do you spell deodorant?" he says. I'm in the middle of feeding Cooper the rest of my brain cells so I can't immediately think of the correct way so I say, "I don't know, I think it's d-e-o-d-e-r-a-n-t...shit, I can't think about it right now." But he's persistent and keeps muttering different ways to spell it so we go back and forth over this for a while when he gets up, goes to the bathroom and comes back announcing that it's an 'o' not an 'e' in the middle. "Yay, only five minutes to write down one item on the list!" I say with much sarcasm.
He likes to write things down correctly he says, so he knows if he's spelling it right.


In the car I get the list from him only to find that the first item on the list is:


I've Been Jipped

It's that time of year again. Girl Scout Cookie Season. I've already hung my lights.

Samoa's are my favorite, along with Thin Mints. Yummmmm. My ass just grew a size just thinking about the deliciousness.

My wonderful husband comes home and announces the he has purchased the coveted cookies.


Joe: "Yeah, I got me a box of Samoa's and a box of Tagalongs. I got you a box of Thin Mints and the lemon ones."

Me: "What the hell are you sputtering about? So, you got yourself a box of Samoa's, that I know you aren't  going to share with me and you got me a box of LEMON cookies. Did you scrawl 'I hate you' on the box so as to get your point across?"

Joe: Standing very still so as not to warrant any further insane attack by me. His crazy wife. He approaches the beast slowly outreached hand holding a Samoa cookie to offer up as a peace offering.

Me: "I don't want your afterthought Samoa. My ass is big enough as it is."


Tips For Survival

When we both order french fries with our burgers, do not dump both of our orders of fries into one community pile.

Congratulations, you may now live another day.