Why Momma Is Never Allowed To Go On Vacation Again

Momma works hard. Like, works harder than anyone ever in the history of working on things. Typically, even when she goes on a trip she still has her work phone and her computer. These two things act as huge ankle weights on the enjoyment of day to day living while trying to be drunk but yet remain upright.

This all changed when she and Jack planned a trip to Hawaii. It would the first REAL vacation. One where there would be no laptop or work phone weighing down the enjoyment of day to day living while trying to be drunk but yet remain upright. In fact, who needs to remain upright? I've never been to a beach to stand.

They had a week of vacation in Oahu. There was no itinerary, no big plans. Just relax, eat, drink, relax, repeat. They arrived in the evening, had a few drinks, ate some food and then retired to the bungalow or whatever it's called so they could start their first full day in the sun refreshed. Please remember, they were going to Hawaii from Alaska. The sun and being in it is really the most important aspect. That and Mai-Tai's. (Speaking of, until recently I always confused mai-tai and molotov cocktail...don't drink with me, it could be deadly.)

The next day they were getting ready to start the day when, she put some lotion on, including on her feet. And then she walked into the bathroom.


In her words, "It felt like my leg was being torn from my body."

After riding in the car, on her knees in the front seat, facing backwards, to the ER. Spending 9 hours in the ER. She is told she has torn a tendon or tendons in her leg. Not just "tear", but "MOTHERFUCKINGTEAR!"

She couldn't sit down. Could barely walk. Breathing was beside the point.

I was brave enough to ask, "Why did you put lotion on your feet? And then walk on bathroom tile?" She didn't grace me with an answer, but I think that if the percocet hadn't chose to kick in at that precise moment, the answer would've been a colorful one.

The one week vacation turned into a two week...something. Which is still a vacation, because I mean, she was in Hawaii...she just couldn't be "in" Hawaii. She sent me tons of great pictures from her balcony.

One night I was sitting at home thinking, "Wow, pretty much nothing else could possibly happen now right?" and my phone rang. It was the protagonist herself. "There's been a terrible earthquake in Japan and we have a tsunami warning here."

"Ha. You're so funny."

"No. I'm serious."

(You may be wondering why I didn't believe her. Well, it's because I had the local news on right when she called and they hadn't bothered to mention the earthquake in Japan...you know, because the Northern Lights are going to be out tonight and that's a big fucking deal so let's just talk the shit out of it.)

That's when she started doing that mom thing where she uses her "everything is fine" voice...but in fact she's really nervous and does that thing where we watch cartoons or the live edition of Charlie Sheen's twitter feed so we can pretend like everything is fine and there isn't a potential wall of water heading right towards us and that right now the people in Japan aren't under water and their buildings aren't being washed away and in some places there aren't even people anymore and that we're not worried that one day when we have grandkids and great-grandkids we'll be saying things like, "Remember Japan?".

Luckily, there was no major tsunami where she was and everything in Hawaii was fine.

She is now home and doing wonderfully with no permanent damage and Morgan and I have grounded her from going anywhere. She said that she wanted to take us there one day...we politely declined while chaining her to her bed.

Room with a view.

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I love it when you say things to me that reinforce me positively. So...carry on then, do that thing. Lastly, capital hat!