Civic Duty

Jury duty is what I'm talking about here.

I've been called for jury duty before and never made it past the initial large room where all of us meet for roll call. This time though, I made it farther much farther, a little too far for their tastes apparently because I was eventually sent home.

I'm not sure if jury duty is the same in your part of the world, but here's how it works here.

First, you get your jury summons in the mail. You have to fill out the survey and mail it back. Then you get something else in the mail that assigns you a number and gives you a phone number to call every night of the week you have duty. If your number is called then you are required to wake up at an un-Godly hour and rearrange your whole morning and digestive habits to drive to the courthouse. When you arrive you are shuttled through security like cattle.

If you are like me then the moment you get through security you are crouched on the counter of the coffee cart demanding the fuel you need to "dole out sweet justice". I may have or may have not said that exact thing. Actually, the barista was quite a piece of work. After standing in line for a few minutes she adjusts her body over to me and says, "Is there something that I can get for you?". Let's see. It's morning. This is a coffee cart. You are wearing an apron. Yeah, my drycleaning please, last name Wolf.

Next, you have your coffee (or drycleaning) and you go into a large room with about 100 other humans filled with disease or creepiness. Fill out your next survey, this survey is probably engineered to detect racism and love of capital punishment through handwriting. While waiting for a court clerk to come in and start assigning jurors to courtrooms open up your laptop to try and get some work done. (Oh, did you forget that while you are sitting here drinking your hot coffee and trying to not make eye contact with the creep who has turned completely around in his chair to look at you that your deadlines are passing you by, that your inbox and voicemail boxes are filling up, that your entire life is passing you by? Consider yourself reminded.) It doesn't really matter because as soon as you open your laptop they are going to call your name and usher you into a hallway outside of a courtroom to wait another 20 minutes.

There are about 40 of you now. 20 names are pulled from a box. If your name is one of them you proceed to the jury box, if not then you sit your ass right where you are and get ready to try hiding your yawns and laughter. The lawyers and judge give you just enough information about the case to peak your interest. The lawyers then ask the 20 jurors in front of them questions. Ridiculous ones. Like, if your child asked you for a snack and you said no, but later found remnants of said snack, is it possible that a neighbor broke into your house and made the exact snack that your child had wanted and then left your house stealthily? (This is where I had trouble hiding my laughter.)

After those questions the lawyers get to dismiss the jurors that they don't want. (Definitely the ones that said that they hate the police or have passwords on their e-mail accounts.) Then more names get called to take their spots. (Here's where my name got called.)

Then the lawyers ask you the same questions. You answer truthfully.

Then the lawyers decide that you are not worthy of finding out what crime the defendant "allegedly" committed and you have to leave. Right then.

That's all I know, because I had to leave right then. I'm sure my handwriting gave something away about me...that, or my snickering at the lawyers didn't bode well.

Oh, I almost forgot!
Then you get to go through the parking garage, and the booth attendant will treat you like total trash.
For the ultimate satisfaction you can mouth "bitch" right to her face before you drive away.
So gratifying.

Good luck making it through your jury duty process!

1 comment:

  1. Hhahahah, love this!

    God, I hated Jury Duty, I so empathize. You’re fortunate you got out of it, the actual process of being a Juror makes you lose all faith in the system. I spend 99% of the time pissed off that *THIS* is how we determine guilt or innocence. The 1% of happy was when we got snack break.


I love it when you say things to me that reinforce me positively. So...carry on then, do that thing. Lastly, capital hat!