School Supplies

My favorite time of year - back to school. Only my favorite because I'm an adult and I don't have to go to school - school is awesome kids, stay in it. It's actually my favorite because I love to shop for school supplies and I know that even if I didn't have a school-aged child I would still be wandering the aisles smelling pencils and buying colors. Yes - I call them colors, not crayons. Deal with it.

 

I was reminded recently that some people just don't get the importance of school supplies - the importance of getting just the right folder, the perfect notebook, the correct pencils with that really pink eraser and above all else the correct brand of colors.

 

Crayola.

 

I was at the store, wandering, and I saw a mom walk out of the school supply aisle with an armful of colors. The brand: RoseArt.

 

WTF? Seriously? Did you miss that huge bin of Crayola? Did you not see that the Crayola - otherwise known as "correct" - colors are only 24 cents? Do you hate your children? You must. Lady, you're are going to go home with that bag full of RoseArt colors and your kids are going to burn your house down - and rightfully so. If I want to have a terrible day I start it off by thinking about RoseArt brand colors and I finish it with thinking about that one gray RoseArt colored pencil that squeaks when you write with it.

 

When I was a kid my favorite part of school supplies was writing my name all over my shit - mine, mine, mine, mine and mine. Everything had my name perfectly written on it - there was no mistaking my Elmer's glue for your whatever the hell that is. Well, don't bother doing that these days. Classrooms have "community supplies". What's that? Oh, it's where the teacher dumps all of the supplies into bins and then when it's time to use them she puts the bin in the center of your table that you share with 4 other people and that's when you find out who your friends are. There you are staring at this pile of colors, desperately trying to dig out the good ones and not accidentally scrape the bad ones with your fingernails and get that waxy RoseArt shit under them. The worst. Doesn't matter though, because RoseArt colors weep wax residue, it's how they cry about not being loved, so when you pull your hand out it's still all waxy and smells like sadness.

 

If I were a kid in a class of "community supplies" I would sneak in my own colors and use them instead of the community ones - that's how serious I am about my coloring. Serious. Please don't be "that" parent - if you love your children, buy Crayola. If you are going to tell me that "RoseArt colors are fine!", please don't waste your breath or energy - you're wrong. You're wrong so just sit there in your wrongess and be wrong.

 

I was explaining to Morgan "community supplies" and before I could finish my sentence he interrupts:

 

"NO. No. No no no no no no no. No."

 

"No."

 

"Free" would be paying too much for these.