An Unfortunate Theme

Welp, I guess the theme of the week is spiders. Lord save me.

As I'm telling you these next couple of things please keep in mind that this happened in one day. And not just that, but all in the span on one hour. All in one hour. When I take down my ponytail later I'm betting my hair just comes out with it.

We are all in the car heading to a birthday party, at a bouncy house play land, I should've taken a xanax. On the way to buy the gift I hear a whisper scream from the backseat. It sounded like "spppprrrrrrrrrrrr".

I turned around to say, "Whaaaaa?" When I saw it...legs. I've trained myself to maintain my composure in high stress situations around my children. I stayed relatively calm while levitating out of my seat. I could see Madison slowly coming unglued.

It was hanging out on the ceiling of the vehicle like it was invited. It was not.

We pulled up the to the store and Joe let us out...well, I got out after the car stopped...Madison, not so much. When we got back to the car we asked if he had murdered the spider.


Then as I'm buckling in he says to me, "I forgot." Fool.

He said that at the same time that Madison realized that she had been betrayed. I'm afraid that anything that I say will not even come close to the description of what happened next. Basically, Madison lost all of her shit. Somehow she buckled herself in (only after I warned her of car accidents that involve being flung through windshields) while crouching in front of her seat. One bump and she would be strangled. We drove to the bouncy house play land wonderous universe and again she was out of the car like nothing I've ever seen before.

I don't think she even used the door handle, she just kicked it open with her two feet and leaped for the sidewalk grabbing her headband as it flew off her head midair.

Joe killed the spider and all was instantly well in the world.


We are in the bouncy house play land wonderous  universe of amazing miracles and Joe tells me a gem of a story. Are you ready?

He says, "Last time I brought the kids here this big fat black hairy spider came down from the ceiling on it's web...it was huuuuuge." (then he made a big circle with this fingers to demonstrate the size of the alien spider)

I said, "So...it's STILL HERE!?" (yes, people were staring)

He said, ".....................................................yessssssssssss. Fuck."

Everyone there thought I was coming down from sort of drug that I don't know about because I've never done drugs.

Don't let that smile fool you. That bag is where he keeps the teeth.
And souls.

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I love it when you say things to me that reinforce me positively. So...carry on then, do that thing. Lastly, capital hat!