Please Enjoy

Close Call

I almost walked out of the house today with only one hand with painted fingernails. Whew, I'm glad I caught that one. You know because black on only one hand is really noticeable.

Too bad I didn't notice I only had eye makeup on one side of my face.

Did. Not. Notice.

The Ways He Lays

The Ways He Lays

Here you go Bocephus, lay here on these papers that I set up for you to use as a pillow.

Bear With Me

Is that right? Is it “Bare” or “Bear”? I’m too tired to look it up. So what the fuck ever.

I need to bitch. I mean really bitch. Bitch about things that don’t even matter. So, it you are interested stick around. If not, if you can’t deal with someone bitching about every little thing then please feel free to excuse yourself.

Here we go.

I have a DVR, for a reason, you know to record things that I want to watch but aren’t available to do so at the moment. Well my DVR likes to pick and choose when it wants to work, which lately is only about 2% of the time. I hate calling the cable company because they are all idiots. I would cancel but if you cancel one thing it makes the cost of the other thing triple. I have static. My couch, loveseat and recliner give me static. My arm hair is constantly lunging away from my body and anything I touch sends a surge of electricity through me, including this laptop. I’ve eaten three heart shaped boxes of chocolate since Sunday. I have a zit that replenishes itself every hour. Anytime my hands are full or dirty or wet or messy my nose runs or my eye itches or an eyelash gets into my eye and if feels like a tiny splinter has wedged itself into my cornea. There’s dog hair everywhere. I vacuum everyday and that damn dog comes in and places his body on every available carpeted space and rolls around. My hair hurts. If I don’t wash my hair everyday I have to put it in a ponytail, which makes my hair hurt. If I put my hair in a ponytail I have to also wear a headband to cover up my receding hair line that I have after having a baby. If I don’t wear my hair in a ponytail I am dealing with stray hairs all day everyday all over everything. I bit my cheek therefore it is swollen and I keep biting it over and over and over again. My laptop battery only stays charged for an hour so I have to have it plugged in all the time. What’s the point of having a laptop if I still have to stay near an outlet? The seats in my new car are cream, why did I get cream colored interior since I have 2 kids and a small bear as a pet? Hell if I know. My dark wash jeans, no matter how many times I wash them, have stained my drivers seat blue. BLUE. FUCK. I tend to put my right hand under my right thigh at work while I am reading, so my right hand is also blue. I have no available wall space in my house. We have 500 DVDs and 4 pieces of furniture to hold them, I can’t find just one thing that will hold them all. My husband bought a big plastic rubbermaid container with doors and put it in my dining room, you know for storage. Looks great. It sits next to the elliptical that never gets used. I’ve been on my period since I gave birth in November. My dog has taken up barking at everything that passes our house while he’s outside. I’m grouchy. I’m bitchy. I need a shower. I want a vacation. A vacation that sometimes I think we will never get to take because we will be paying bills and debt forever.

Breathe.

I have two beautiful children who can turn my day around just by being near me. I have a daughter who knows that when I am fighting with the vacuum cleaner cord if she tells me she loves me it will make my day. I have a baby boy with the best baby smell in the world, if I could curl up and live in his neck I would. I have a home and food to eat. I have a handsome husband who loves me even when I hate him. Hell, I love him even when I hate him. He wants to fix every problem I have and hates that he can’t and I won’t let him. I have the best family anyone could ask for. My momma somehow knows exactly when I need her to call me. Her sweet voice will bring me to tears right when I need it. Without my daddy I would probably be living in squalor. He has been a huge and wonderful part of Madison’s life and now Cooper’s, they are so lucky. My brother is amazing. He can make me laugh when no one can and he is my inspiration. I have great friends, one for every mood I’m in. I have a wonderful job and a wonderful boss and coworkers. I have a great dog that even though I trip over him most days and he makes me crazy, he is a part of this family and we wouldn’t be the same without him. I can walk, I can see and hear, my kids are healthy and happy and will go to great schools. We live where there are beautiful mountains that my family and friends in other states will never see. I have God in my life even though I’m not a frequent visitor of the Church. I pray every day and thank him everyday for the blessings in my life. Without these blessings I would have nothing to bitch about and for that I am thankful.

Thank you.

It’s Time

After 11 wonderful weeks with my baby boy I head back to work this week. I’m ready. I can totally do this.

Really.

I’m totally cool.

I’ll have adult conversation. A reason to put actual clothes on everyday and wash my hair regularly. My workmates will be pleased with that. I will have to pump the boobs in my office…need to make a Do Not Disturb sign for that.

Hmm. Should I put on the sign that I’m pumping my boobs or do you think the noise alone will let them know?

I can do this…

WAAAAAHHHHH.

Thank You

Snuggly, crinkly lion. You have saved my life today and I’m sure it won’t be the last time.

I love you. Thank you for letting Cooper shove your belly into his mouth so he can feel the crinkle.

 

Yes, Please Do That

Hi checker at Wal-Mart. Could you please go slower while scanning my groceries? I see that you are only reading every other item label, why don’t you go ahead and read them all. While you’re at it go ahead and run back and grab some of that Thai Chili Tuna that you are so interested in.

Yeah. Don’t you worry your pea pickin’ heart about my 11-week old screaming in his car seat. I can see it hasn’t sped you up any so please, take your fucking time.

The Cake That Took 3 Months To Make

A few months ago. Before Cooper was even born. I bought a box of pineapple upside down cake mix. It’s my and my Dad’s favorite. I got home to make the cake only to discover that it wasn’t the kind that came with the pineapple. So. There I am with a box of cake mix and no pineapple and no icing so I can’t even just make a regular cake. My mom is crying tears of shame right now.

There the box sat. I gave birth. Christmas passed. Finally a week ago I bought pineapple. Yay me.

I’m home, ready to bake the cake, excited for the dessert I’d have later. I reach in the cupboard for the brown sugar. Oh, wait. I’m all out. Dumb.

A few days later I finally remembered to grab some brown sugar. Woohoo. Mmmm, cake. Drool.

I’m at home. In the kitchen. I pull out my mixing bowl, the box of mix, the brown sugar, the pineapple, butter and the eggs. Wait, eggs? Oh, look, I need 3 eggs. How many eggs do I have? 1. One. Uno. Not enough. Shit.

I give up.

No I don’t, because I love cake.

The next day I get eggs. YAY. I made it home and to the kitchen without any of the ingredients disappearing.

13x9 pan?

Of course not. Why the hell don’t I have that particular size? Hell if I know. But, according to the instructions I can split the cake between to 8x8 pans.

It could have said that I needed to split it between all of the pans left in my cabinet and I would have done it. This fucking cake is getting made.

Three months later I have not one but two beautiful pineapple upside down cakes. I just hate one.

Not a piece.

One cake.

Be Vewy Vewy Quiet

It’s late. I’m tired.

Wait, that’s not it.

I’m exhausted. I’ve been up for hours. Rough, I know. It is when the baby was up most of the night before and now he is finally down for the night. Or, for the next 15 minutes. Yeah, that sounds more like it.

Since he’s asleep I’m supposed to be asleep, but I just really want to straighten up a bit so I don’t have to wake up to a messy place. Tip-toe, whisper, all of that jazz. I’m doing great until…

I’m in the bedroom, yeah, the bedroom that he’s sleeping in, and I’m trying to just gather a few things up to throw in the wash all while trying to hold my drooping eyelids open and…BAM.

I tiptoe my ass right into the door.

Why not? I’m already a zombie, let’s just add a concussion.

Grand.