5.23.2010

Just Call Me Stubby Magoo

I stub a toe at least 37 times per day. Sometimes all at once. I can stub a toe on anything; table leg, chair leg, foot of the couch, door jam, 5lb weight, teddy bear, marshmallow or cotton ball. It gets down right maddening. The typical reaction is throwing whatever I'm holding (if I'm not holding something then I pick something up) as hard as I can while vomiting expletives on anyone nearby. Except for the time when I was holding Cooper, I had to quickly remind myself not to drop kick him across the room. Instead I set him down gently and then picked up a nearby toy and chucked it across the planet. I then mouthed the word FUCK and hobbled around while Cooper stared at me, fist in hand, one eyebrow raised. He has mastered this look, he came out of the womb with one eyebrow raised.

When I was fifteen I was running full speed through our house and stubbed my toe on a chair leg or a concrete block, what's the difference, really, when you're traveling at mach speed. I started howling and mammaw ran out of her bedroom, not nearly as fast as I needed but hey, at least she was on the way. I thought that maybe I jammed it because this definitely felt different from a regular stubbing which I was very used to. I suggested to mammaw that while I sit in the chair that I fell victim to and held on to the seat that perhaps she could pull on my toe...as hard as she can.

Yes, that's right. "Mammaw, could you yank on my toe as if it were a pull-start to perhaps 'un-jam' it? K, thanks."

What did she do? Did she guffaw and refuse my ridiculous request? Did she pat me on the head and suggest a bag of ice?

No.

She did exactly what I asked.

Guess what? Guess! Guess!

I didn't just stub my toe, I BROKE IT. (I of course found this out after I had my grandmother further detach it from my body.)

Almost immediately the entire left side of my foot turned black. BLACK. Awesome.

I was fifteen, born and raised in the South. I was a Southern Belle. Not on that fucking day. I said things that made my mammaw blush and she used to be a bartender. So, for the next few weeks the left side of foot was a virtual rainbow of colors and the colors moved and rearranged. So much fun. It's the best when I stub that same broken toe over and over and over and over again. Absolutely heavenly.

Tomorrow begins another week of toe torture. Bless you all and keep your toes safe and healthy.

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I love it when you say things to me that reinforce me positively. So...carry on then, do that thing. Lastly, capital hat!