Chew On This

My 5-month old has 2 teeth.

Let the chaos resume.

Hang To Dry

You may be aware by now of my general hatred for my wardrobe. Mainly because nothing fits right and it's all hideous, I'm seriously wondering if I shop while drunk. It was my birthday this past weekend and I just needed something to wear that I didn't feel like a mo-ron in. I picked out a black t-shirt and a gray burn-out sweater type thing (you'll have to see whoismorgan for the correct definition). I loved it, it looked great, in my opinion...which may not matter since I may have been drunk. I paired it with a long chain necklace and ta-da! Ensemble!

I wore it out on Saturday, got good review. Then on Monday while I was at work Joe decided to be helpful and wonderful and get some laundry done. This laundry included this new gray burn-out sweater type thing...do I really need to go on?

I'm putting away my clothes and I notice the piece looks a lot smaller than I remembered (that's what she said..yes, I just did that). I examined it and then put it on. Yup. Definitely much smaller and shorter. I walk out to the living room and ask Joe "Does this look smaller to you?".

His answer...

"Maybe you're a giant."

Johnny Four Fingers

Sitting on the couch this morning feeding Cooper I was drawn into this morning cartoon, Umizoomi. I'll give you a moment to say it out loud, it's super fun.

All of a sudden something hit me and I did what I usually do and just blurt out whatever is in mah hayud. (my head for those of you who aren't my husband or friends)

"Why do they only have 4 fingers? I mean, is it that hard to just draw one more freaking finger? Would it add hours to the animator's day? Would it inevitably throw the earth off it's axis therefore ending this world as we know it? Is there some sort of subliminal message being portrayed to our children by having them watch character's with only four fingers?"

Joe: Blank stare. (typical look given when words are escaping my pie hole)

He then folds his thumbs down and proceeds to wave his creepy four-fingered hands in my face. Do it, it's creepy.

If you do a Google search for "why do cartoon character's have only 4 fingers", the results are a bunch of asshole's saying things like, "I only have four-fingers, how many do you have?", "last time I checked humans only had four fingers...derrr".

Whatever, Assy McAsses.

So, then you have to search "why don't cartoon character's have anatomoically correct hands". Good grief, the simplest thing.

THEN, you get a whole bunch of people with a hell of a lotta time on their HANDS (garsh I'm funny) with these long drawn out explanations of cartoon hands and the original cartoons and so on and on and on.

I'm not that invested in my question to read all of that. So, maybe I really don't care. Like I said, I don't ask the questions, I just open my mouth and my brain falls out.

A Fashion Bonfire...if you will.

The worst part of my day? Getting dressed, well except for the days that I have to dismantle car engines and rebuild them with popsicle sticks, that's also a pretty rough day.

Getting dressed, so simple. And by simple I mean 'can't be achieved without trying on a minimum of 3 pairs of pants and 27 shirts and then throwing them all over my room as if a fashion grenade went off and used my tears as part of the shrapnel', oh yeah it's that simple.

As I've mentioned before I have lost my pre-baby weight but remember before I had said baby I was still 30lbs heavier than I wanted to be and now my hips are still a foot wider, my stomach doesn't know which direction to go, my thighs fight for control and my boobs, well, I won't get into that except that depending on the time of day one of them is double the size of the other and half of it has taken up residence under my armpit and under my chin of which I have 2.

Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating...maybe not. I guess that description is basically how I "feel" I look. Fun! Feelings! Let's all get together and FEEL our FEELINGS and LOVE and blah blah blah puke.

So. I hate getting dressed. It ruins my day. On Easter I wore a Jem and the Holograms T-shirt, today I wore a trashbag.

Jem! Woo ooo, she's truly outrageous, truly truly truly outrageous!

Whoa hoa Jem, wooooo she's truly outrageous!

And, you're welcome.

Join me in the near future. Today perhaps. When I throw all my clothes into a huge barrel and light them on fire. Bring marshmallows, ooh and some of those leftover Easter Peeps we all know that I ate all of mine.

Don't Do This

Please don't talk to me about my breastmilk.

Wow, look, you've survived another day! Congratulations!

Yes, Please Do That

I am in the fast lane of the highway, the speed limit is 65. I, of course, am going 80.

Please ride my ass as though I'm going 20 in a 65.

I love it when you do that. You asshole.

Happy Easter, please accept this gift on behalf of my love.

Every year the Easter Bunny aka Momma leaves baskets for Morgan and me, even though we are in our twenties. Also, we still get gifts from Santa.

This Easter was not my best Easter ever, due in part to my rotten attitude and general hatred for everything in my closet.

While going through my Easter basket I opened one of the gifts. A dome paperweight with the letter A inside of it. I then turn over the gift to find this lovely message on the bottom.
(You will have to click on the picture to read the message, just do it.)

Happy Easter.

I'll Be Gumming My Dinner In No Time

One of my fears is that my teeth will one day fall out. I'll just open my mouth they will fall out and make plinking noises like piano keys. I sometimes have dreams about it and I wake up and systematically check each tooth by trying to wiggle them. I'm sure that I'm not helping things by wiggling each tooth. I've probably done it enought that eventually I will just wiggle them all out. I'm my own worst enemy.

I recently learned that having dreams about your teeth falling out means financial stress. Well, I have plenty of that and I'm sure the stress is what's going to make my teeth fall out.

Last night while flossing I came to a point where one tooth shot a searing white-hot pain into my brain. I tested it to make sure and sure enough, it hurt so bad I couldn't bear to floss in that location. So of course I did what anyone else would do. I brushed again, used my Water-Pik filled with water and Listerine, then brushed again using the "I'm not fucking around" brush head, then I stared at the ceiling all night wondering if I'd have any teeth left in the morning.

Did I call the dentist? No.

(I'm not inserting my usual picture of something related to my story here because the thought of looking up anything regarding teeth falling out already has me grossed out enough. So please enjoy this cute kitty.)

My Momma Said

Eating dinner with Momma and Morgan one night, Momma had a very important question to ask.

Momma: "Okay, so did Angelina and Brad really break up?

Me: "Oh, Morgan give me my phone. Let me give Angie a call and find out..."

Morgan: Reaches for phone.

Momma: Waits expectedly.

Exercise In Futility

I have been trying to exercise on a regular basis to get my weight loss and getting back in shape situation going. I hate yoga, I can't do it. I can't watch the video, listen to what she's saying, breathe in and out and not fall over. I tried swimming yesterday. Because you know, nothing dangerous can happen while swimming.

I actually put my swimsuit on, luckily noone was injured by this action alone. I was joined by two friends, true friends because they did not laugh, point or pretend not to be with me when I walked out of the locker room in my pieces of fabric. I didn't bring goggles or a cap so the plan was to just do laps with one of those floaty board things (yes this is the technical term) and kick myself up and down the lane. Hannah joined me in this exercise, as did Erin when she took breaks from actual swimming. Show off. I didn't do too bad, I was much slower than everyone else, I also get distracted by water. So pretty. Half of the time you would find me simply floating mid-lane with a sparkle in my eye and my hands making waves in the water. And I wonder why I never got that lifeguard job...

At one point we were congregated at one end of the lane just chatting. Taking a break from it all. I'm holding on to my floaty board thing (Yes! That's the accurate term, quit questioning me!) and at that moment the board decides that it hates Erin and must destroy her immediately. It shoots out of my arms like a rocket and before she even knew what was happening "BAM!" the corner of the board assaults her eyeball.

That's right. EYE BALL. She didn't have time to blink, just "BANG!". She didn't even know what hit her. Literally. She thought I elbowed her. Which made me feel like more of an asshole because she went on believing it was my elbow for about 20 minutes.

I felt so terrible and couldn't stop apologizing. I also couldn't stop laughing, because that's what I do. Laugh. I nearly drowned a couple of times because of course I laugh with my whole body and my mouth wide open, that isn't the best combination for being in the water.

I tend to be accidentally dangerous in many situations. I mean, someone is getting hurt, I guess it was just her time.

Oh, wait, that's not true! I found out after the fact that before I maimed Erin, I hit Hannah in the throat. So, if I had known that I hit Hannah then my brain would have said, "Okay, our work is done here." But no, I wasn't aware so Erin also had to take a hit.

Technically it's Hannah's fault.