I Wash My Face Like A Monster

Do you ever see those face wash commercials on TV? What am I saying, of course you do, they are on a kajillion times per teen angst television show. Not that you or I watch teen angst television shows, or...err....ugh. Right. Okay, well then. Tastes like teen angst.

Alright, face wash commercials. During the commercial there is always a scene taken from the mirror perspective of a girl with perfect gleaming skin splashing water on her face. Flawlessly. This water was made for this chick's face. It looks so refreshing and clean and it makes you want to jump up right then throwing your Cheeto's into the air and run to the bathroom to wash your face. Wash your hands first or you'll just end up turning your face Cheeto cheese orange. This coming from experience.

Okay, back to that flawless face splashing. Is that what happens when you wash your face? I'm honestly asking because I'm beginning to think that I am some sort of monster incapable of washing my face like a decent member of society. Washing my face generally ends in me being pissed off and crying because I just know that it can't just be me...can it?

Commercial and normal human being face washing technique:

  1. Turn on faucet to receive perfectly warm water.
  2. Gather a small amount of water and then splash it perfectly onto your perfect face.
  3. Place small amount of soap into palms and apply to perfect face.
  4. Again place hands under warm water, rinse off soap.
  5. Gather clean warm water from faucet and splash it perfectly onto your beautifully lathered face.
  6. Soap comes off perfectly, open your eyes and use nearby towel to pat dry your perfect face.
  7. Give one last glance and a perfect smile at the mirror. You are perfect!

Amber or "monster" face washing technique:

  1. Turn on faucet for warm water.
  2. Put hand into water and recoil because it is freezing, turn the hot knob more to make it warm.
  3. Put hand into water again, it's room temperature at best but it'll do.
  4. Splash water onto your face and the wall behind you, all the while water is running down your arms and onto the counter where the plugged in curling iron is. Yank electrical cord out of wall to reduce risk of electric shock.
  5. Squeeze small amount of, oh wait, the fucking top came off, try to scrape soap back into container, fail miserably and end up just dripping it into the sink wasting the liquid gold.
  6. Apply soap to face.
  7. Reach into the sink to rinse off sudsy hands, recoil because the water is a tepid 200 degrees, add more cold, add more fucking cold, why is it still hot! My hands are on fire! OWWW!
  8. Finally warm water! Splash water onto face and wall behind you, water and soap are dripping down your arms onto the counter, the floor, your shirt, pants, etc. 
  9. Grab blindly for a towel, knock half of the shit that's on your counter off, including the curling iron, which thank God you unplugged because now it's in the toilet along with your toothbrush and your new MAC kabuki brush.
  10. Find a towel and pat dry your face, open eyes and OW! OW! OW! OW! OOHH!! OW! MOTHERFUCKERFUCKINGSOAPINMYDAMNEYES! SONOFABITCH! 
  11. Desperately turn on water to rinse your eyes out, without testing water first, splash 1000 degree water into your eyes, add cold and instantly splash crushed ice into your eyes.
  12. Blindly use shower curtain to dry your face, hands, arms, torso and feet.
  13. Peer through one swollen eye into the mirror, barely make out your stooped shape through the water and soap that is on the mirror. Here's looking at you kid, wink. Be careful when you leave the bathroom, don't slip on that pond you created.

Is that how it's supposed to be because that right there is my typical morning AND evening.


  1. AnonymousJuly 22, 2012

    I don't know how all you bloggers do it. You continue to pour your heart and soul into these postings, even when you get no response! Is anyone out there listening? Does anyone, in fact, have these sorts of problems when washing their face or are you just a freak? How will you know if no one bothers to respond to your post? As consolation, I will tell you that I do have the problem of water running down my arms and dripping all over the counter/floor. The rest of it (adjusting the temperature, having a towel nearby that I can find with my eyes closed, and having the counter clear) I've mastered, but I do think you have a valid point about real life vs. commercials.

    1. Wow, thanks for your comment. You know, comments are so awesome to receive and we don't always get a lot of them and sometimes the ones we do get aren't that awesome.

      It is good to know that it isn't just me washing my face like I'm putting out a face fire.

      I hope you continue to enjoy my blog, thanks for stopping by!


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