Who Needs Hot Water Anyway?

On Friday night I was downstairs doing one of the many loads of laundry that are now piled up waiting for me to fold and put away (don't hold your breath, laundry) and I noticed a spot of wet carpet. Not unusual considering I have a 100lb dog, a 7 month old, a 6 year old and I live in Alaska. So I did what anyone would do, grumbled and stepped over it, then on the way back I forgot to step over it and got my sock wet. Then I threw the laundry basket against the wall because a wet fucking sock is the worst.

I wasn't home over the weekend and when I returned the spot of wet carpet was now a continent of wet carpet. So, I did what anyone else would do, I stepped over it while carrying a baby, two bags, tripping over a dog and telling a kid to brush her teeth and get ready for bed, but she hadn't had dinner yet so she couldn't brush her teeth and that meant that I still had to put the baby to bed and cook dinner. I put Cooper down to bed (amazingly this is the easiest part of my day, everyday) and then walk (i.e. trip over laundry and shoes) out to the kitchen and take in the chaos that is my kitchen counter, the stack of unopened bills on the table, the overflowing clean laundry hamper in the living room, the dog dripping half of the water out of his mouth and onto the floor and the drooling, starving child staring at me wild eyed from the kitchen floor.

Know what I did? Do ya?

I locked myself in the bathroom and sobbed for five minutes. (I did manage to throw some chicken wings at Madison before I retreated, so yes she has been fed.) After my sobbing was done and I was just crying I called my momma. Of course I did.  After she could finally make out that I was saying water, carpet, leak, floor, chicken, dog, bills she let my step-dad know that I had a leak. Now, when that man hears "leak" what he really hears is "the ship is taking on water". They were here in five minutes with pizza and a heavenly glow.
After looking high and low and everywhere in between the origination of the leak was discovered. Water heater. That bitch.

Pizza in oven, Madison still sucking the marrow out of the chicken bones, Momma and Jack waiting to see if I would break down again, I called the Home Warranty company. Luckily they can get someone out in the morning, only that means I have to turn my hot water off until it's fixed. Fun. While on the phone and trying to hold my life together, Madison comes prancing in. With my bra strapped around her chest. Please picture this.

Me, on the phone with someone from who knows where trying to explain to them through a crackling phone line what's wrong with my water heater, my momma and step-dad on the couch ready to tackle me to the ground in case I spontaneously burst into flames and my daughter prancing around with a white push-up bra strapped over an Alaska Aces t-shirt.

You know what that looks like? Awesomeness.