My driver's license expired. *clears throat* Two months ago. I've put off going to the DMV because I enjoy it so much that I wanted to wait until their busiest day just so I could spend more time there than humanly necessary. I also wanted to be ignored not once but twice by the super helpful employees, thus lengthening my stay at the glorious DMV even longer. And I wanted this one kid to cut in front of me even though I was there like forever before him, and I wanted to pull back from using the eye vision tester thing to realize that the little oil and germ absorbing paper pad had not been changed since 1987, and I wanted to forget my phone so that the only form of entertainment I had was the local paper, the same paper that printed my sons birthday as being 20 days earlier than it really was. GUESS WHAT YA'LL?! I got EXACTLY all of the things that I wanted. Yay me!
After waiting for-literally-ever it was finally my turn! I danced to the counter, did all the do and she sent me over to the photo-taking area. Ha! You forgot about that didn't you? Well. On this particular day I didn't really do myself up, because I wasn't planning on getting my picture taken but then I realized that I would like to have a drink sooner rather than later so I would need a new license...NOW. I sit and wait, obviously forgotten about then finally someone waddles over to snap my mugshot.
Let me just say, I am not exaggerating when I say, this is the worst picture that I have ever seen. Of anything. They basically set you up for failure. The worst lighting possible, blue background to bring out any blue or green in your skin, a flash so bright you feel like you're looking at the sun, and the lady says "1, 2, snaps picture, 3". Bitch.
The screen is set up so that everyone else in the world can see the picture that was just taken of you, and not in regular size. This picture fills up the entire screen. I get around to see the screen just as it turns off but I do see the faces of all of the upstanding citizens around me. Just know this, no one would make eye contact with my pleading eyes.
I look like a monster. A monster. It's terrible. My hair is sticking out everywhere, my eyes are all squinty, my cheeks are the size of softballs, I'm a Shrek shade of green, the small blemish that I have multiplied into a colony fed by the flash of a camera, oh, and somehow I sprouted horns an extra set of eye teeth and my ears are all pointy and stuff.
I will be getting this re-done. It will be well worth the $20. For now I have to beg people to trust me when I hand them my ID with my thumb covering the picture. What's been seen can't be unseen.