10.19.2009

Glutton...For Punishment

I consider myself to be an intelligent person. I have common sense. You can disagree all you want. At least I know which side of the parking lot aisle to drive on and I also know that in a store that is about 20 acres in size having more than one bathroom just might be a good idea.

If I am intelligent, if I do have this common sense that everyone is going on about, if so, then why, why, just why the hell did I of my own free will choose to go to a Costco Warehouse of a Saturday afternoon?

Why, Lord, why do I do these things to myself?

It was a normal Saturday, I had a few errands to do, drop off my wedding ring to be cleaned and dipped, pick up the crib, have lunch with Morgan and pick up some stuff at...Costco. Sounded good to me, I was husband and child free and I was glad to be out of the house. All went well until I pulled into the parking lot of...Costco.

First of all, what is it about this place that scrambles the minds of normally competent drivers? People were driving on the wrong sides of the aisle, running through the stop signs, parking in places that obviously weren't parking spots. I spent the whole time in the parking lot screaming at everyone around me. I'm sure I looked like a lunatic pulling my hair and waving my hands at strangers but at least I was following the correct traffic patterns.

Now, I get in the store, after getting the LAST cart. Literally. The. Last. Cart. If there had been no carts I would have left right then. Me, being ever so smart decide that I should go pee now so I can shop and not have to stop and run to the bathroom. You know, because Costco only has the one bathroom, at the front of the store with the back of the store being 2 miles away. Also, because I am 33 months pregnant and have a toddler resting on my bladder.

I then begin my shopping experience. Not so bad at first, typical people cutting in front of you at the last minute, little old lady walking so very slowly across your path, lady stopping in front of you to reposition her cart, then back up, then go forward, then go sideways, then back up, well you get the picture. I'm headed to the back of the store because that is where I start my shopping, I like to work my way to the front, toward the check-out stands. As soon as I get to the back I realize, I have to pee. "Hold it!" I tell myself. Yeah, that only lasted for about 3 aisles, by then I was in so much pain that I was practically hunched over trying to make it back to the front of the store to go pee, again. Of course, this little old lady chooses the precise moment when I can see the bathroom, it's in my reach, to walk across my path at a glacial pace. I finally make it to the bathroom, phew.

Continuing my shopping, I go back to the aisle I left off, I believe it was cereal, and here I go. Same old, same old. Kids are screaming, a little girl is literally bouncing from side to side down the aisle and I had visions of just maybe letting my foot slip out a little bit to make contact with her leg. You know, just to slow her down. I figured it best that I get the hell out of that aisle. I'm almost done! I only need a few more things. My back is killing me, the blister on my left foot I'm sure is bleeding into my shoe, my right ankle is probably bruised and swollen, oh, I didn't mention that I twisted my ankle earlier in the day? Then the realization thing happens again...pee. PEE! I need to pee again! I cannot hold it this time, I have to go NOW. So, I head on up there and lo and fucking behold there is that little old lady again. How the hell does she find me?

While peeing I actually prayed that someone would steal my cart so I could just give up and go home. No such luck. I limp along and grab the last of what was on my list, this list that I forgot in the car, this list that I am now shopping from by memory. Yeah, that one.

I am d-o-n-e! I head to the check out and by some miracle I was not stuck in a super long line, I quickly unloaded my cart and waddled myself up to the credit card machine to pay my fortune for frozen food and canisters of Kool-Aid.

I'm pushing my cart out the door and I'm actually thinking to myself, "wow, I made it and I didn't even kill a single person". Walking to my car I notice a man walking behind me. Not like, a few feet behind me but right behind me. Like, if I were to stop he would get swallowed up in my ass. Right as I was about to turn around and tell him to back the hell up he veered off and went another way. He'll never know how lucky he is.

I get to my car, loading everything up and oh, what's that? THAT IS HOTDOG JUICE. Hotdog juice spraying out of the package that has been punctured. Perfect.

Please picture this with me. Very pregnant lady, covered in hotdog juice (shut up), screaming at said package of hotdogs, throwing hotdogs in the bag, loading bags with huge bulky groceries, every corner of every box getting hung up on every possible thing, woman screaming at everything happening, tufts of hair and drool flying about.

This ladies and gentleman was my Saturday.



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I love it when you say things to me that reinforce me positively. So...carry on then, do that thing. Lastly, capital hat!