10.06.2009

Spontaneous Abdominal Combustion, I Don't Have It

I have been having a pain in my stomach. A real pain, like "ouch, that really fucking hurts" pain. I lay awake at night and think of all of the terrible things that could be wrong. My uterus has torn open and the baby is playing with my intestines. I have a blockage in my stomach and it is slowly growing and will soon explode, leaking toxins into my abdominal cavity. I have a blood clot the size of a sweet potato that will soon break loose. In any of these instance I'm pretty much dead so you can just imagine how well I sleep at night.

I also wake up in the night and my chest hurts when I breathe, which of course means I have a blood clot in my lungs. Of course, now I will just lay back down and get some more rest.

At my appointment today I mention all of these things because that is what you are supposed to do. You are supposed to sit in front of a professional and tell her all of these things that are going on with your ever expanding body and try not to sound like a psychopath. The doctor nods and smiles and lets me know that these "pains" are just a normal part of pregnancy. A normal part of pregnancy. Normal. There is no "normal" when you are pregnant, every pregnancy is different and every person is different. I may have said this before but in case you didn't retain that little piece of information, there you go. You're welcome.

So, I don't have a free-floating baby in my abdomen, my stomach is not on the verge of combustion and my lungs are free of clots.

Also, she said that I should only gain about 10 more pounds.

I don't know about you, but that sounds like a dare. I'm going to gain 11 just to show her.


Walking out of the doctor's office I noticed a numb area on my left leg. Great. I'm going to be an amputee.

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I love it when you say things to me that reinforce me positively. So...carry on then, do that thing. Lastly, capital hat!